We moved into a new home almost 4 years ago. It was an adventure in more ways than one. We have a large yard with lots of different plants, bushes, trees, etc.I felt blessed because I really love plants and flowers of all kinds. I felt like I was on an expedition to search out things I wasn't acustomed to. And wouldn't you know it, right in our front yard sat this beautiful Gingko Tree. I had never seen one before. I was thrilled.
I was in awe of how God makes so many wonderful, beautiful and unusal things. I fell in love with my Gingko Tree. The very first year I pressed a huge amount of "her" leaves. I knew that I wanted to keep them somehow......for some reason. and, then it hit me.....I could preseve them. So. I experimented and found a way to keep them and actually framed several.
And, God being God, kept this passion inside me and actually made it grow. Then it hit me!! I could do so many things with these beautiful leaves.....any leaves......and flowers, too!! So, God placed in me the desire to make greeting/note cards that would allow me to share these beautiful things with others.
But, that is seemingly where that dream ended. I had gotten all of my materials around.....but there they sat...for 2 years. Nothing.
If you'll remember, in last month's blog I mentioned that I have this deep desire to be creative. Doesn't everyone? Well, maybe not. But, for some reason it has been gnawing at me....alot. And over these past 11 months....since my New Year's resolution....God has been bringing people and situations into my life to encourage me to do something with these feelings.
I have an old friend from school, Susan Miller-Cormier, who is herself a very talented and gifted artist in many ways. She has taught me to find my "inner swan". Because of her I have stepped out of my comfort zone and actually attended a local art class and and open art night at our Wassenberg Art Center.
Of couse, I was plagued by doubt and fear of failure.But, I was able to share with Susan my ideas and she encouraged me to "go for it". She has been so helpful and supportive!!
Today I made that next step of displaying my creations and putting them up for sale at our local Art's Factory. I am so excited!! And it was like once I made that first step God turned on the faucet of ideas in my head on other things I can be creating!!
Only time will tell just where all of this may lead me, but as Susan reminded me...I won't know unless I try.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Thinking Out Loud
There's so much I want to say but am afraid of what others might think. I don't take criticism ....or rejection well. I wonder if I ever will. I can remember my dad telling me how I needed to learn to accept criticism. Even then I wondered why......what gives someone else the right to criticize me? I am me...take me or leave me....love me or hate me.....but I am ME!! Reminds me of the old Monkey's song "I Wanna Be Me!!"
God made me this way......so why do you think there's something wrong with me???
As you can probably tell it has been a rough month for me. I feel like I am trying to "find" myself again and at this age it is not easy.
I need to get a job, but with my fibromyalgia it is going to be so had no matter what I do.......so I worry....and stress.....
I have a desire to be creative.
I take inventory of my life and it hits me that I am not really good at anything....oh, I can do things.....I cook, bake, sew, etc. ....but I'm just mediocre. I'm not good......
Sometimes I know just enough to get by.
I feel like a failure. Is this all there is?
Who am I really?
I find myself being depressed. I get aggravated ....annoyed.....sad.....
I need something but I don't know what it is.
I desire peace and harmony.
For so long I defined my life through my children.......now what?
I feel lost. I thought at this time in my life I would have everything figured out......but I feel more confused now than I did when I was younger.
I'm not sure where this journey is going to take me but I bet it is going to be different.
God made me this way......so why do you think there's something wrong with me???
As you can probably tell it has been a rough month for me. I feel like I am trying to "find" myself again and at this age it is not easy.
I need to get a job, but with my fibromyalgia it is going to be so had no matter what I do.......so I worry....and stress.....
I have a desire to be creative.
I take inventory of my life and it hits me that I am not really good at anything....oh, I can do things.....I cook, bake, sew, etc. ....but I'm just mediocre. I'm not good......
Sometimes I know just enough to get by.
I feel like a failure. Is this all there is?
Who am I really?
I find myself being depressed. I get aggravated ....annoyed.....sad.....
I need something but I don't know what it is.
I desire peace and harmony.
For so long I defined my life through my children.......now what?
I feel lost. I thought at this time in my life I would have everything figured out......but I feel more confused now than I did when I was younger.
I'm not sure where this journey is going to take me but I bet it is going to be different.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Starting a New Chapter in My Life
Recently we moved our next to youngest child...our #2 daughter....our #4 out out 5 kids....to Cincinnati into an apartment of her own. We now only have one child still at home and this is something that we have not had in our lives since 1984!!
It took me about a week to get over the "loss" I felt.....I am not actually over it.....but am getting better at dealing with it. Just as I am not over having our eldest move out in 1992, or the next one in 2003 or the next in 2005.
It leaves a hole in your heart each time a child leaves the nest. Someone told me once that this is how it is supposed to be...and it will happen if you have done your job as a parent. I feel good about that I guess...but I also know that I miss my kids like crazy and sometimes long for the days of when they were little.
Then, I think back to those days when life with little ones wasn't easy and I just wanted sometime for myself. I guess that is what I need to do at this new chapter in my life.....I need to re-learn how to do the things that I like to do or what I want to do. But after 31 years of having my children at the center of my life how do I do that? This may take sometime.
I think I might start with an art class....if I can get up my nerve......
I also recently lost my pet chihuahua....my little buddy, Teddy. He was a part of my life for 16 yrs. He was always right there. And now he's not...he was sad to see me leave, but was always excited when I got home. He was the only one sometimes who really cared about me it seemed......you just can't replace that kind of loyalty and unconditional love.
Nothing in life ever stays the same....the only thing you can count on is change......and the older I get the harder it gets to roll with the punches. One of the best lessons I ever learned when my children were small was to be flexible. I am beginning to think that this is true for any age.
If nothing else, this next chapter of my life looks like it will be an adventure....one that I have't experienced yet.
It took me about a week to get over the "loss" I felt.....I am not actually over it.....but am getting better at dealing with it. Just as I am not over having our eldest move out in 1992, or the next one in 2003 or the next in 2005.
It leaves a hole in your heart each time a child leaves the nest. Someone told me once that this is how it is supposed to be...and it will happen if you have done your job as a parent. I feel good about that I guess...but I also know that I miss my kids like crazy and sometimes long for the days of when they were little.
Then, I think back to those days when life with little ones wasn't easy and I just wanted sometime for myself. I guess that is what I need to do at this new chapter in my life.....I need to re-learn how to do the things that I like to do or what I want to do. But after 31 years of having my children at the center of my life how do I do that? This may take sometime.
I think I might start with an art class....if I can get up my nerve......
I also recently lost my pet chihuahua....my little buddy, Teddy. He was a part of my life for 16 yrs. He was always right there. And now he's not...he was sad to see me leave, but was always excited when I got home. He was the only one sometimes who really cared about me it seemed......you just can't replace that kind of loyalty and unconditional love.
Nothing in life ever stays the same....the only thing you can count on is change......and the older I get the harder it gets to roll with the punches. One of the best lessons I ever learned when my children were small was to be flexible. I am beginning to think that this is true for any age.
If nothing else, this next chapter of my life looks like it will be an adventure....one that I have't experienced yet.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Mornings with Morrie.....uh, I mean Pat......
I spend time each day with my aunt. Her name is Pat. She is 88 and suffers from dementia. She is also losing her eyesight. It's hard to see her this way because she has always been fiesty and independent.....a women's liber before it was accepted. The good news is that she is still just as fiesty as she used to be. It's just hard on her now because she is dependent on others to help her.
Some days ....most days......we talk about the same old things....I hear the same stories over and over again.....Sometimes it gets monotonous.....but other days I find it so comforting. She, afterall, is the only link that really remains to my father's side of the family and to their past and I try to treasure each moment because I realize she won't be here forever.
Then there are other days when she is more lucid....more connected.....and we actually talk of "new" old things. I learn things that I had never known, or am reminded of things that I may have forgotten.
One day we were talking and I was telling her about all that is going on in my life and how my 4th child will be leaving the nest soon. I expressed some worry and sadness over yet another stage in my life. Pat made the comment that "well, at least they (my children) know they can always come home again if they need to. I said "yes, I just wish I could have known that when I was their age."
Pat looked at me with surprise. She asked me why I had said that. I told her that my mom would have gladly let me come back home, but not my father. She got almost indignant with me and said "oh, thats not true!".....I explained that it most certainly was and dad made it quite clear to me that I was not allowed to come back. She seemed surprised and tried to protect my father, her brother, by saying "oh, he might have said that but deep down inside didn't mean it."
Ever since that conversation.....and a few others we have had.....I have been wondering who this man, that was my father, really is....I want to know why I didn't really get to know him. I feel sad that he did not show his kind side to me. He was always stern and strong.....almost harsh....to me. Very seldom did I ever see, a softer, gentler man.
Her perception of him is completely different than mine. He was a good provider. He was a hard disciplinarian. I think I turned out pretty well. But, oh how I wish I could have had a deeper relationship with him. As a result of his harshness and standoffishness...is that a word??.....I feel slighted. I feel like we were really strangers. Some daughters have their dad's wrapped around their little finger. I NEVER felt like I was "daddy's little girl"!! And I want to know why.
So, maybe this is why I chose a kinder man as my husband. A man who I knew was a good dad from the very beginning.
And, maybe that's why I try so hard to be more like my mom......and to be there for my kids no matter what.
I want to be remembered with love......not disappointment.
Some days ....most days......we talk about the same old things....I hear the same stories over and over again.....Sometimes it gets monotonous.....but other days I find it so comforting. She, afterall, is the only link that really remains to my father's side of the family and to their past and I try to treasure each moment because I realize she won't be here forever.
Then there are other days when she is more lucid....more connected.....and we actually talk of "new" old things. I learn things that I had never known, or am reminded of things that I may have forgotten.
One day we were talking and I was telling her about all that is going on in my life and how my 4th child will be leaving the nest soon. I expressed some worry and sadness over yet another stage in my life. Pat made the comment that "well, at least they (my children) know they can always come home again if they need to. I said "yes, I just wish I could have known that when I was their age."
Pat looked at me with surprise. She asked me why I had said that. I told her that my mom would have gladly let me come back home, but not my father. She got almost indignant with me and said "oh, thats not true!".....I explained that it most certainly was and dad made it quite clear to me that I was not allowed to come back. She seemed surprised and tried to protect my father, her brother, by saying "oh, he might have said that but deep down inside didn't mean it."
Ever since that conversation.....and a few others we have had.....I have been wondering who this man, that was my father, really is....I want to know why I didn't really get to know him. I feel sad that he did not show his kind side to me. He was always stern and strong.....almost harsh....to me. Very seldom did I ever see, a softer, gentler man.
Her perception of him is completely different than mine. He was a good provider. He was a hard disciplinarian. I think I turned out pretty well. But, oh how I wish I could have had a deeper relationship with him. As a result of his harshness and standoffishness...is that a word??.....I feel slighted. I feel like we were really strangers. Some daughters have their dad's wrapped around their little finger. I NEVER felt like I was "daddy's little girl"!! And I want to know why.
So, maybe this is why I chose a kinder man as my husband. A man who I knew was a good dad from the very beginning.
And, maybe that's why I try so hard to be more like my mom......and to be there for my kids no matter what.
I want to be remembered with love......not disappointment.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Hello Out There!
It's been awhile since I've posted so thought I might as well give this a try today. I haven't felt like writing much lately. I have been busy, but have also been experiencing more depression lately, and along with the depression goes the aches and the pains that seem to be a part of my everyday life now. I am never free of the discomfort. Some days are just worse than others. The trick is trying to deal with it without becoming depressed or grouchy. And I fear that sometimes the sadness, gloom, and irritability take over.
Somedays are so hard. It's about all I can do to get my housework done. That really upsets me because I take alot of pride in taking care of my home and family.
.
I don't even like talking about this.
Along with this, and the everyday things, I am also dealing with taking care of a family member that suffers from dementia. It is so hard to see a once vibrant, independent person become so forgetful. It is sad and scarey. This can take a toll on me also. I still have a teenager at home, so it's like the pendulum swings from one situation to another.
Stress and worry also plays a part. Others family members are dealing with life issues too, and you want to be able to make things better, to fix it. It's hard when you love someone so much, but you are unable to help them.
So, today I decided I needed to take some time just for myself. Time to reflect, to read......and to write.
I love sitting outside...watching the birds and listening to them. I love to read on the patio. Sometimes it's nice to just to sit quietly and think......to pray......to listen to God's still, small voice.
Ok, patio....here I come!
Somedays are so hard. It's about all I can do to get my housework done. That really upsets me because I take alot of pride in taking care of my home and family.
.
I don't even like talking about this.
Along with this, and the everyday things, I am also dealing with taking care of a family member that suffers from dementia. It is so hard to see a once vibrant, independent person become so forgetful. It is sad and scarey. This can take a toll on me also. I still have a teenager at home, so it's like the pendulum swings from one situation to another.
Stress and worry also plays a part. Others family members are dealing with life issues too, and you want to be able to make things better, to fix it. It's hard when you love someone so much, but you are unable to help them.
So, today I decided I needed to take some time just for myself. Time to reflect, to read......and to write.
I love sitting outside...watching the birds and listening to them. I love to read on the patio. Sometimes it's nice to just to sit quietly and think......to pray......to listen to God's still, small voice.
Ok, patio....here I come!
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Be Angry but Sin Not...Eph.4:26
I am struggling right now with some anger I have felt the past several days.
We are still dealing with contractors......and their mistakes.....that are trying to take care of the lies and cover-ups the previous owners of our home left us. I am not happy.
As I mentioned in my last blog entry, I am tired of everything.
I am tired of dealing with other people's problems and then having to deal with mistakes made by our contractors. We have not had hot water in three days......because of his mistake.
I am tired of him not worrying about it......acting like, ooops...oh well.....and then waiting.....and waiting and waiting....
So, my question is.....how can I be angry and sin not???? I am not happy at the anger I have felt for these past few days......yet, isn't it natural? Don't I have a right to be mad?
And I always thought "what goes around comes around". Some call it karma.....so may I ask, "why is this happening to us". We are good people.....like I mentioned in my previous blog, before we moved we fixed our house up . So, why is all of this happening to us?
If you don't show that you are upset I believe that gives people the idea that they can walk all over you. If we had not gotten mad I believe we would still be waiting for our contractor to come back and fix his mistake....
Is customer service dead? Does anyone really care anymore?
We are still dealing with contractors......and their mistakes.....that are trying to take care of the lies and cover-ups the previous owners of our home left us. I am not happy.
As I mentioned in my last blog entry, I am tired of everything.
I am tired of dealing with other people's problems and then having to deal with mistakes made by our contractors. We have not had hot water in three days......because of his mistake.
I am tired of him not worrying about it......acting like, ooops...oh well.....and then waiting.....and waiting and waiting....
So, my question is.....how can I be angry and sin not???? I am not happy at the anger I have felt for these past few days......yet, isn't it natural? Don't I have a right to be mad?
And I always thought "what goes around comes around". Some call it karma.....so may I ask, "why is this happening to us". We are good people.....like I mentioned in my previous blog, before we moved we fixed our house up . So, why is all of this happening to us?
If you don't show that you are upset I believe that gives people the idea that they can walk all over you. If we had not gotten mad I believe we would still be waiting for our contractor to come back and fix his mistake....
Is customer service dead? Does anyone really care anymore?
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Annoyances-Aggravations-Frustrations
I found myself saying the other day that "I am tired of everything!". This is an exageration of course, but life seems to have taken a toll on me lately and I am tired of it.
I am fed up with contractors and service people who try to take advantage of a rough situation you are already in. By this I mean by not doing everything they were asked to do the first time they were in your home so they can come back a 2nd or 3rd time and charge you another trip charge. I am tired of them putting us off and making us wait.
I am tired of dishonest auto mechanics who tell you that you have things that are wrong, when they are not.
I am tired of being at a 4 way stop and some bimbo goes ahead of you when it is not her turn.
I am tired of being told an item I need was ordered and when it should have been in 3 weeks ago it is still not in.
I am tired of people who pull out of you in traffic and then proceed to drive 20 mph under the speed limit.
I am tired of bosses who make you work odd hours but don' t make anyone else do it.
I AM TIRED OF BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF AND I AM TIRED OF BEING A DOOR MAT.
I am tired of cooking and cleaning and doing everything for my family and getting no appreciation. I don't even think they know all of what I do for them around here.
I am tired of never having any time for me.
I am tired of calling people, you leave a message and they never call you back.
I am tired of purchasing expensive equipment and then be ignored for 6 mos when you need their help.
I want to know:WHAT HAPPENED TO COMMON COURTESY? WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO DECENT, HONEST HUMAN BEINGS?
It's sad that we live in this dog eat dog world.........
And, did I mention; I AM TIRED OF IT!!
I am fed up with contractors and service people who try to take advantage of a rough situation you are already in. By this I mean by not doing everything they were asked to do the first time they were in your home so they can come back a 2nd or 3rd time and charge you another trip charge. I am tired of them putting us off and making us wait.
I am tired of dishonest auto mechanics who tell you that you have things that are wrong, when they are not.
I am tired of being at a 4 way stop and some bimbo goes ahead of you when it is not her turn.
I am tired of being told an item I need was ordered and when it should have been in 3 weeks ago it is still not in.
I am tired of people who pull out of you in traffic and then proceed to drive 20 mph under the speed limit.
I am tired of bosses who make you work odd hours but don' t make anyone else do it.
I AM TIRED OF BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF AND I AM TIRED OF BEING A DOOR MAT.
I am tired of cooking and cleaning and doing everything for my family and getting no appreciation. I don't even think they know all of what I do for them around here.
I am tired of never having any time for me.
I am tired of calling people, you leave a message and they never call you back.
I am tired of purchasing expensive equipment and then be ignored for 6 mos when you need their help.
I want to know:WHAT HAPPENED TO COMMON COURTESY? WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO DECENT, HONEST HUMAN BEINGS?
It's sad that we live in this dog eat dog world.........
And, did I mention; I AM TIRED OF IT!!
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Today is Fibromyalgia Awareness Day
The doctor thinks I have fibromyalgia.
I hurt alot.
I hurt all over.
My pain migrates.
No two days are alike.
I can't sleep. Or I can't stay asleep.
My mind gets foggy and I forget things.
I am depressed.
I have bad days where I can't do much. I have had days where I spend it entirely in bed.
But, I have good days. So, when a good day comes along I overdo it and then pay for it later.
People think I am lazy.
No one really knows I am sick because I look ok.
I am sad because I don't enjoy things like I used to. Everything is a struggle. Nothing is easy. Everything is a chore.
This isn't how I pictured my life.
I have a hard time holding down a job. I haven't worked in 2 1/2 years.
I can't get disability because fibromyalgia isn't recognized as a disabling disease.
Sometimes my doctor doesn't even take me seriously.
I have tried more medications and therapies than I care to mention....without any help.
I am tired.
I keep going. I have things to do, people who depend on me.
I have things I want to do, places I want to go, people I want to see.
I just might take longer than most, or do things differently.
I take alot of rest breaks.
But I am not a quitter. I won't give up.
Fibromyalgia is real and it affects more people than you know.
Fibromyalgia is a serious health issue and I hope more people become informed and aware.
I hurt alot.
I hurt all over.
My pain migrates.
No two days are alike.
I can't sleep. Or I can't stay asleep.
My mind gets foggy and I forget things.
I am depressed.
I have bad days where I can't do much. I have had days where I spend it entirely in bed.
But, I have good days. So, when a good day comes along I overdo it and then pay for it later.
People think I am lazy.
No one really knows I am sick because I look ok.
I am sad because I don't enjoy things like I used to. Everything is a struggle. Nothing is easy. Everything is a chore.
This isn't how I pictured my life.
I have a hard time holding down a job. I haven't worked in 2 1/2 years.
I can't get disability because fibromyalgia isn't recognized as a disabling disease.
Sometimes my doctor doesn't even take me seriously.
I have tried more medications and therapies than I care to mention....without any help.
I am tired.
I keep going. I have things to do, people who depend on me.
I have things I want to do, places I want to go, people I want to see.
I just might take longer than most, or do things differently.
I take alot of rest breaks.
But I am not a quitter. I won't give up.
Fibromyalgia is real and it affects more people than you know.
Fibromyalgia is a serious health issue and I hope more people become informed and aware.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Feelings/Perspective
Today is one of those days where I am filled with different emotions.....various feelings. I feel like a jumbled mess.
I have mixed emotions over the happenings on Sunday...and with the wreath laying ceremonies today. My heart is filled with sadness for everyone who was lost and for their families who carry on.......I am filled with pride over people shouting USA, USA......and yet it makes me sad that it takes the death of an evil man to bring us here.
I am sad because of situations in my own life. Strained relationships, deaths of friends , health issues of my own and of people I care about, children who live farther away than I want them to, Mother's Day without my mom.....
I feel blessed to live in this country, to have my family and my home.......I am filled with love for them.
I have hope that someday I will be in a better place with the people I hold dear......where there will be no more worries and no more tears.
I struggle with worry, even though I try to give them over to my God.....life's problems seem insurmountable at times. Endless bills- doctor, car insurance, plumbers, etc......I feel like the guy in "It's A Wonderful Life"....I'm worth more dead than I am alive.....
It's hard to keep things in perspective with no end in sight. Just how do we do it anyway? We keep plugging away...one foot in front of the other....doing what we can, and what we don't get to we try to do tomorrow....
One of my mom's favorite sayings was "keep your chin up".....is really good advice because in the midst of all of this chaos and hardship it would be so very easy to just give up.
Don't sweat the small stuff......I reminded my daughter in law this a few days ago......
KISS....keep it simple stupid.....is also good advice.
My heart is heavy today...too many feelings.....not enough words to describe how I feel.
I have mixed emotions over the happenings on Sunday...and with the wreath laying ceremonies today. My heart is filled with sadness for everyone who was lost and for their families who carry on.......I am filled with pride over people shouting USA, USA......and yet it makes me sad that it takes the death of an evil man to bring us here.
I am sad because of situations in my own life. Strained relationships, deaths of friends , health issues of my own and of people I care about, children who live farther away than I want them to, Mother's Day without my mom.....
I feel blessed to live in this country, to have my family and my home.......I am filled with love for them.
I have hope that someday I will be in a better place with the people I hold dear......where there will be no more worries and no more tears.
I struggle with worry, even though I try to give them over to my God.....life's problems seem insurmountable at times. Endless bills- doctor, car insurance, plumbers, etc......I feel like the guy in "It's A Wonderful Life"....I'm worth more dead than I am alive.....
It's hard to keep things in perspective with no end in sight. Just how do we do it anyway? We keep plugging away...one foot in front of the other....doing what we can, and what we don't get to we try to do tomorrow....
One of my mom's favorite sayings was "keep your chin up".....is really good advice because in the midst of all of this chaos and hardship it would be so very easy to just give up.
Don't sweat the small stuff......I reminded my daughter in law this a few days ago......
KISS....keep it simple stupid.....is also good advice.
My heart is heavy today...too many feelings.....not enough words to describe how I feel.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
And The Saga Continues
I told you to "stay tuned". Ok, here's the scoop:
Today I have not one, but 2 contractors/plumbers in my home.
After living with this nightmare of a home for three years now we have found yet another problem ...that has been here for years I might add....and am having my kitchen sink area torn up. You see, it seems that the cast iron drain pipe rotted out years ago and all of our water from the sink and dishwasher has been spilling out onto the ground causing us problems with drain flies and stench......water in the heating ducts, etc.... This has probably been our main problem all along and it just took us time to narrow it down.
I still cannot believe that the previous owners lied to us about this. They did not disclose this problem.....but admitted it to my husband on the phone. Yes, we had it inspected, but he let us down too. We sought compensation, but even our legal counsel let us down.
We have had to take out another loan.....
I am not happy.
You see, before we sold our previous home we re-sided it, put on a new roof, painted it all on the inside, put down new carpet everywhere, put in a new kitchen sink and counter and fixed a step. Why? Because in our good conscience we did not want someone else to have to deal with our problems.
Is this the world we live in now? I hope not, but I am so discouraged. And I am angry.
The good news is that hopefully after dealing with this mess since we moved in 3 years we might actually be done with living with drain flies and the terrible smell....not to mention any health issues that went with this.
The moral of this story is to not trust anyone.....and talk to the neighbors before you buy a house......
I hope this will encourage those of you who read this to treat others the way you want to be treated. The Lord gave us the Golden Rule......some people call it karma......to some it is just common sense. If what goes around comes around....I want to warn the previous owners to BEWARE!!!
Today I have not one, but 2 contractors/plumbers in my home.
After living with this nightmare of a home for three years now we have found yet another problem ...that has been here for years I might add....and am having my kitchen sink area torn up. You see, it seems that the cast iron drain pipe rotted out years ago and all of our water from the sink and dishwasher has been spilling out onto the ground causing us problems with drain flies and stench......water in the heating ducts, etc.... This has probably been our main problem all along and it just took us time to narrow it down.
I still cannot believe that the previous owners lied to us about this. They did not disclose this problem.....but admitted it to my husband on the phone. Yes, we had it inspected, but he let us down too. We sought compensation, but even our legal counsel let us down.
We have had to take out another loan.....
I am not happy.
You see, before we sold our previous home we re-sided it, put on a new roof, painted it all on the inside, put down new carpet everywhere, put in a new kitchen sink and counter and fixed a step. Why? Because in our good conscience we did not want someone else to have to deal with our problems.
Is this the world we live in now? I hope not, but I am so discouraged. And I am angry.
The good news is that hopefully after dealing with this mess since we moved in 3 years we might actually be done with living with drain flies and the terrible smell....not to mention any health issues that went with this.
The moral of this story is to not trust anyone.....and talk to the neighbors before you buy a house......
I hope this will encourage those of you who read this to treat others the way you want to be treated. The Lord gave us the Golden Rule......some people call it karma......to some it is just common sense. If what goes around comes around....I want to warn the previous owners to BEWARE!!!
Monday, April 18, 2011
Today is My Day to Rant!!!!
People....have we lost all common decency? Are we all running around befuddled?
I can't get over how many rude people there are anymore....or people who are just so out of it they don't know what they are doing!!!
Last week as I was in line at the BMV an older man walked in after me......The clerk said" I will help whoever is next"....which was ME......and this man walks up to the counter!! I could have screamed....but me, being me...I didn't say a word......
This has happened to me at other places as well......like the pharmacy.....yet, I stay quiet!! Why??? And then I fume over it.....
Well, no more!!
Today, as I was turning to go to our local post office.....a lady pulled up beside me to turn also ....Now, mind you we were both heading west.....I HAD MY SIGNAL ON.....yet she is in an east bound lane!! So I decided to turn anyway and if she hit me it would be her fault......she looked at me like I was in error......
PEOPLE .....PEOPLE..... let's use our common sense....let's try to be courteous.....thoughtful and kind to each other.
Life is hard enough as it is......for us to act like animals to each other.....
Geesh.....what a mess!!
I can't get over how many rude people there are anymore....or people who are just so out of it they don't know what they are doing!!!
Last week as I was in line at the BMV an older man walked in after me......The clerk said" I will help whoever is next"....which was ME......and this man walks up to the counter!! I could have screamed....but me, being me...I didn't say a word......
This has happened to me at other places as well......like the pharmacy.....yet, I stay quiet!! Why??? And then I fume over it.....
Well, no more!!
Today, as I was turning to go to our local post office.....a lady pulled up beside me to turn also ....Now, mind you we were both heading west.....I HAD MY SIGNAL ON.....yet she is in an east bound lane!! So I decided to turn anyway and if she hit me it would be her fault......she looked at me like I was in error......
PEOPLE .....PEOPLE..... let's use our common sense....let's try to be courteous.....thoughtful and kind to each other.
Life is hard enough as it is......for us to act like animals to each other.....
Geesh.....what a mess!!
Ok, Ok, Enough Already....
Three years ago we bought our dream house. One level, extra room for the kids and grand kids when they visit, newer, updated......etc.....
A month after we moved in we discovered we had major water problems.......water was in our heating ducts.
We were lied to by the previous owners. Plain and simple.
We sought legal counsel......received some compensation......but not enough. These people and our lawyers acted like this isn't a big deal.
We have put up with not being able to use our furnace in the dead of winter, to drain flies everywhere....to a stench that won't go away. The health dept. was shocked at the problem.
We spent thousands digging up and tiling the yard around our home.....hoping and praying this would fix the problem. We lost every inch of our landscaping. Uxed every bit of our savings!!
And here we are today....over a year after the major work had been completed and I have contractors in my yard again....I want to cry!!!
Why?? Why us?? Why now?? Lord, are you trying to teach us something? Move...well who would want this hell hole...and in my good conscience could not unload this problem on someone else.....
I am sick....
I was trying to get my landscaping started this spring, even though we have no money for it......and now we have to deal with this yet again??? Will we ever get this resolved!! We can't even get grass to grow where it had been dug up.
Stay tuned......
A month after we moved in we discovered we had major water problems.......water was in our heating ducts.
We were lied to by the previous owners. Plain and simple.
We sought legal counsel......received some compensation......but not enough. These people and our lawyers acted like this isn't a big deal.
We have put up with not being able to use our furnace in the dead of winter, to drain flies everywhere....to a stench that won't go away. The health dept. was shocked at the problem.
We spent thousands digging up and tiling the yard around our home.....hoping and praying this would fix the problem. We lost every inch of our landscaping. Uxed every bit of our savings!!
And here we are today....over a year after the major work had been completed and I have contractors in my yard again....I want to cry!!!
Why?? Why us?? Why now?? Lord, are you trying to teach us something? Move...well who would want this hell hole...and in my good conscience could not unload this problem on someone else.....
I am sick....
I was trying to get my landscaping started this spring, even though we have no money for it......and now we have to deal with this yet again??? Will we ever get this resolved!! We can't even get grass to grow where it had been dug up.
Stay tuned......
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Another Thought.....
Read a comment from a Facebook friend this morning concerning dealing with her illness of fibromyalgia. She had the same experience as I have where some "Christian" has the nerve to tell you that if you were just closer to God and 'really' believed then He would heal you......
I told her....and wanted to share with all of you that I am learning to embrace my "suffering". The Lord suffered....and our suffering refines us like gold.
Another thought is that those of us with a chronic illness should try to refrain from constant whining and complaining. No one wants to hear how awful we feel all of the time......and I personally think that dwelling on it all of the time makes us feel worse.
We need to aattempt to deal with our trials with dignity and strength, even on those days where all we can do is stay in bed.
I told her....and wanted to share with all of you that I am learning to embrace my "suffering". The Lord suffered....and our suffering refines us like gold.
Another thought is that those of us with a chronic illness should try to refrain from constant whining and complaining. No one wants to hear how awful we feel all of the time......and I personally think that dwelling on it all of the time makes us feel worse.
We need to aattempt to deal with our trials with dignity and strength, even on those days where all we can do is stay in bed.
Apologies
My last blog posted a few moments ago was listed as "offfensive' by Facebook. if i have offended someone I do apologize......that wasn't my intention....just writing about "my" experience......
Wondering whether it was the beer.....or the smell .....that was offensive....certainly it isn't Bob Segar......and hopefully not my age!! :)
oh well.......go figure........and the page FB sent me to wouldn't even allow me to connect with it so I could disagree.....
Wondering whether it was the beer.....or the smell .....that was offensive....certainly it isn't Bob Segar......and hopefully not my age!! :)
oh well.......go figure........and the page FB sent me to wouldn't even allow me to connect with it so I could disagree.....
TURN THE PAGE
Well, it's been a while since I have been "here". The last month was a hard one for me. A time a reflection and busyness for me. But I had an experience I wanted to share.
Tuesday night my husband and I attended a BobSegar concert in Cincinnati. My husband is a big fan and our kids went together and got him a ticket for his birthday...a floor seat ......and I got to go along.
At first I wasn't even sure I wanted to go.I'm 52.....I'm old......too old for this, I thought....even tho my hubby is 4 1/2 yrs older than me.And my body doesn't act like it should anymore with this fibro thingy. I just wasn't excited about it.In fact I have only been to one other concert in my life....and that was a Bob Segar concert 28 years ago!!
And then it hit me...."what would seeking eccentricity do??? What about my "inner swan" ....... so I went ....knowing that since we would be in Cinci I would at the least get to see some of my kids :)
Well, let me tell you ..even though I am "paying for it" today with tiredness and pain......IT WAS SO WORTH IT!!
Mostly everyone their was "our" age.....it was so neat to see the older, gray hair, pot belly set altogether in one place.....having a great time. There were even "older" fans there....our son affectionately called it the "depends and walkers generation". Afterall, bob himself is 65 and he moved like a youngster "up there on the stage". pun intended.........
The guy sitting next to us asked for everyone's years they had graduated from high school. Which started a converstaion and we actually found out we had a mutual acquaintance. What a small world.
Songs that we knew by heart decades ago came back to us.....and for me took on new meanings. Like "Against the Wind".....the verse says "I'm older now and still running against the wind" means alot more to me today than it did 28 yrs ago.......it's so true......older.......hmmmmm......
The whole crowd sang along......everyone was either clapping or singing or "swaying with the music"....pun intended :)
We all felt like kids again.....the way we felt before the stress of family and jobs aged us.....before we had to learn to be "practical" and "grown up" and "responsible"......
We had some beer.......we smelled "that" smell in the air......reminds me of another song...."oh, what's that smell".....lol...we bought t-shirts......and someone had a beach ball we were hitting around......
For 3 hours I was young again.....and now I feel like maybe being "our' age isn't such a bad thing afterall.......We are all in this together.
I heard a popular song the other day that says"everyone dies, but not everyone lives".......count me as one who wants to live.
Have a great day everyone.....and don't forget to "TURN THE PAGE"!!
Tuesday night my husband and I attended a BobSegar concert in Cincinnati. My husband is a big fan and our kids went together and got him a ticket for his birthday...a floor seat ......and I got to go along.
At first I wasn't even sure I wanted to go.I'm 52.....I'm old......too old for this, I thought....even tho my hubby is 4 1/2 yrs older than me.And my body doesn't act like it should anymore with this fibro thingy. I just wasn't excited about it.In fact I have only been to one other concert in my life....and that was a Bob Segar concert 28 years ago!!
And then it hit me...."what would seeking eccentricity do??? What about my "inner swan" ....... so I went ....knowing that since we would be in Cinci I would at the least get to see some of my kids :)
Well, let me tell you ..even though I am "paying for it" today with tiredness and pain......IT WAS SO WORTH IT!!
Mostly everyone their was "our" age.....it was so neat to see the older, gray hair, pot belly set altogether in one place.....having a great time. There were even "older" fans there....our son affectionately called it the "depends and walkers generation". Afterall, bob himself is 65 and he moved like a youngster "up there on the stage". pun intended.........
The guy sitting next to us asked for everyone's years they had graduated from high school. Which started a converstaion and we actually found out we had a mutual acquaintance. What a small world.
Songs that we knew by heart decades ago came back to us.....and for me took on new meanings. Like "Against the Wind".....the verse says "I'm older now and still running against the wind" means alot more to me today than it did 28 yrs ago.......it's so true......older.......hmmmmm......
The whole crowd sang along......everyone was either clapping or singing or "swaying with the music"....pun intended :)
We all felt like kids again.....the way we felt before the stress of family and jobs aged us.....before we had to learn to be "practical" and "grown up" and "responsible"......
We had some beer.......we smelled "that" smell in the air......reminds me of another song...."oh, what's that smell".....lol...we bought t-shirts......and someone had a beach ball we were hitting around......
For 3 hours I was young again.....and now I feel like maybe being "our' age isn't such a bad thing afterall.......We are all in this together.
I heard a popular song the other day that says"everyone dies, but not everyone lives".......count me as one who wants to live.
Have a great day everyone.....and don't forget to "TURN THE PAGE"!!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
Life is So Hard.....How Do I get My Joy Back?
This past week has been one I hope I won't ever have to repeat.
First...I was at three different funeral homes this week. Once is too much.
One funeral was for a dear family member who passed away at 84. It's hard, but in your head you reason it out thinking that they had a long and happy life.
The other two were for people my age. THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!! Right? Why does it seem that more and more people my age are dying. I guess it is because I am getting older, but this is not fair.
It is so hard to see people you care about hurting so much. My heart breaks for them.
And I help take care of an elderly family member whose dementia is getting worse. One day she lashed out at me for no reason. I realize it is just her condition, but it still hurts.
And I tried out a new job....that was just going to be too much for me....and I gave it up.....
And several of my loved one are dealing with health issues.....
And.....my joy is gone.....my depression has won. I could sit and just cry forever.
How do I get my joy back? How do I enjoy my life once again? I feel overwhelmed and defeated.
Life is just one big chore right now. Everyday is hard. Each moment a struggle for me.
Even the normal every day routine gets to be too much.....bills, and schedules....fix up projects and messes....responsibilities and worries.
I am tired. Stop world, I want to get off!! If I cry "uncle" will you let me alone for awhile??
I wonder if I can even keep on going. I try to look forward to things......but most of those times involve my family who all live too far away from me.
My joy is gone. Now what do I do?
First...I was at three different funeral homes this week. Once is too much.
One funeral was for a dear family member who passed away at 84. It's hard, but in your head you reason it out thinking that they had a long and happy life.
The other two were for people my age. THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!! Right? Why does it seem that more and more people my age are dying. I guess it is because I am getting older, but this is not fair.
It is so hard to see people you care about hurting so much. My heart breaks for them.
And I help take care of an elderly family member whose dementia is getting worse. One day she lashed out at me for no reason. I realize it is just her condition, but it still hurts.
And I tried out a new job....that was just going to be too much for me....and I gave it up.....
And several of my loved one are dealing with health issues.....
And.....my joy is gone.....my depression has won. I could sit and just cry forever.
How do I get my joy back? How do I enjoy my life once again? I feel overwhelmed and defeated.
Life is just one big chore right now. Everyday is hard. Each moment a struggle for me.
Even the normal every day routine gets to be too much.....bills, and schedules....fix up projects and messes....responsibilities and worries.
I am tired. Stop world, I want to get off!! If I cry "uncle" will you let me alone for awhile??
I wonder if I can even keep on going. I try to look forward to things......but most of those times involve my family who all live too far away from me.
My joy is gone. Now what do I do?
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Why................
Sometimes things happen in life that we do not understand. Things happen in life that we have no control over.
And the question people have been asking for years is "why do bad things happen to good people"?
Sometimes we pray and it seems like God isn't listening. Then we question does he even care? If He did then things would be different.
And, I am asking "Why" tonight.
Nope, I don't have any answers....I wish I did....but I don't...
I am just here.....in a dark place.....with lots of questions.
How does a person go about getting their joy back? How do you ever feel like you used to?
Life is so hard sometimes that days like these make you question going on......
And yet, friends remind me that God, the Higher Power....has a reason for everything......
But you know...for the life of me I am not sure what the reason is......
And the question people have been asking for years is "why do bad things happen to good people"?
Sometimes we pray and it seems like God isn't listening. Then we question does he even care? If He did then things would be different.
And, I am asking "Why" tonight.
Nope, I don't have any answers....I wish I did....but I don't...
I am just here.....in a dark place.....with lots of questions.
How does a person go about getting their joy back? How do you ever feel like you used to?
Life is so hard sometimes that days like these make you question going on......
And yet, friends remind me that God, the Higher Power....has a reason for everything......
But you know...for the life of me I am not sure what the reason is......
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Dealing With Chronic Illness
Just returned from a visit to the doctor.
I hate doctor's visits. I hate sitting there telling him all of my troubles. I hate whiners. I don't want to be a whiner......but that's what I feel like.
I try to keep going everyday......to do what I need to do....but some days it is very hard.
I hate feeling bad everyday. I hate not being able to do what I want to do when I want to.
I hate feeling like I am letting everyone down because I can't hold down a job or because I can't keep up with housework.
I HATE IT! I HATE IT!
I am determined not to let this "thing" ruin me......but how?
I hate doctor's visits. I hate sitting there telling him all of my troubles. I hate whiners. I don't want to be a whiner......but that's what I feel like.
I try to keep going everyday......to do what I need to do....but some days it is very hard.
I hate feeling bad everyday. I hate not being able to do what I want to do when I want to.
I hate feeling like I am letting everyone down because I can't hold down a job or because I can't keep up with housework.
I HATE IT! I HATE IT!
I am determined not to let this "thing" ruin me......but how?
Monday, February 28, 2011
Religion:What Do You Believe?
I have a hard time finding a "church" I want to belong to. Every single one of them lets me down.....disappoints me in one area or another. It's called doctrine.....
The Christian comedian, Mark Lowry, said something once that I love and it rings so true to me:"Here we all are in this one place, Methodist, Presbryterians, Baptists, Catholics, etc.....and you know......somebody's wrong"!! haha
Now, I don't think of myself as superior...I think of myself as confused, misled and not fitting in anywhere. That's my life!!
I was brought up in a Lutheran Church....but I always felt like deep down inside I wanted to be a nun. Can you imagine the shock that was to my family!! Luther was a hero to my family.....but why did he oppose those things that the early church fathers had set down as a foundation?
Why are some books banned from the Bible? Why do Catholics allow some and Protestants do not?
As I entered my teen years I became a "Jesus Freak". I attended a charismatic, fundamentalist bible fellowship....guitar playing, long haired, loving Jesus kind of place. that's where I really was "born again" and decided to follow Jesus. This didn't set to well with my family either.
Then came the big blow when I decide to leave the Lutheran Church to join this Jesus loving church because of the differences presented to me about how and when baptisms should be done. See, Lutherans "sprinkle" babies
and fundamentalists fully immerse those who are old enough to decide for themselves.
Then I wanted to attend a Christian College....but was talked out of it because I wouldn't be happy there.....my parents said you couldn't drink, or dance.....and I always had to wear a dress......no jeans.....and I was a jeans girl. So, there went that idea.
Then I married and joined my husband's church......which was a mainstream church. The pastor did not preach Jesus which I had an issue with so we left there and went to another mainstream church.....it split because of of issues of doctrine. We went to another charismatic, fundamentalist church....it split apart because of doctrinal issues .......we went to another charismatic, fundamentalist church...ditto...same thing......
Guess what!!?? I am tired and disillusioned. I am not stupid...I read my Bible.I read other books.....I am reading the books that have been banned from the Bible..... I talk to God and I believe He talks to me.....yes, I have heard Him!!
I am tired of being told what to do, how to do it and what to believe in.
I am tired of so-called church people acting like they are better than me......
I am also tired of ministers who think they have to yell to make their point.
I am tired of churches saying you can't drink...news flash...Jesus did...he turned water into wine....AT A WEDDING!!
I am tired of being told you can't dance....DAVID DID!!
I actually had a well meaning church lady tell me my illness was caused because my heart is not right with God.....but also had another tell me it's the devil......
I'm tired of being judged by well-meaning church people. Reminds me of the song that says: "judgement looms under every steeple, from lofty glances from lofty people". I'm tired of church people thinking they are better than everyone else ......yet they live awful lives during the week,
I am tired of churches sharing their own ideas as if the were scriptural.
The bible can be interpreted in different ways.....I'm tired of being told what I need to believe in........
And I am not afraid to say that I am confused.
You know, the closest church set up to the way things were 2000 years ago is actually the "Orthodox" church....
Mark Lowry made another funny but true statement at a show I was at..."I'm not allowed to talk to Mary at the church I attend, so what's she like?"......
Like I said, for whatever reason......I happen to think it is God talking to me........I was led to pray a Catholic prayer during a real tough time in my life. Oh, I can hear the gasps annd the moans.......and I own a rosary and I pray it.......
Now, I am not promoting Catholicism.....I am just saying what I feel connected to......and I feel connected with traditional prayer, candles, music.......but I also love to listen to contemporary Christian music.......I love being able to wear jeans to church.......I sound like a confused mess don't I? I love learning about the lives of saints hoping their ways might rub off on me.......I love contemporary worship, raising my hands and feeling the Lord move. Like I said before in the blog before this I have been slain in the spirit and have felt God touch me in a mighty way.
It's not all just one way...one denomination for me.
Religion should not be a one size fits all......how sad...how boring. God made us unique individuals.....why would He talk to us and reach out to us all in the same way? What works for some won't work for all......and what works now may not work later.
My God have mercy on us all.......May God bless us...everyone.
The Christian comedian, Mark Lowry, said something once that I love and it rings so true to me:"Here we all are in this one place, Methodist, Presbryterians, Baptists, Catholics, etc.....and you know......somebody's wrong"!! haha
Now, I don't think of myself as superior...I think of myself as confused, misled and not fitting in anywhere. That's my life!!
I was brought up in a Lutheran Church....but I always felt like deep down inside I wanted to be a nun. Can you imagine the shock that was to my family!! Luther was a hero to my family.....but why did he oppose those things that the early church fathers had set down as a foundation?
Why are some books banned from the Bible? Why do Catholics allow some and Protestants do not?
As I entered my teen years I became a "Jesus Freak". I attended a charismatic, fundamentalist bible fellowship....guitar playing, long haired, loving Jesus kind of place. that's where I really was "born again" and decided to follow Jesus. This didn't set to well with my family either.
Then came the big blow when I decide to leave the Lutheran Church to join this Jesus loving church because of the differences presented to me about how and when baptisms should be done. See, Lutherans "sprinkle" babies
and fundamentalists fully immerse those who are old enough to decide for themselves.
Then I wanted to attend a Christian College....but was talked out of it because I wouldn't be happy there.....my parents said you couldn't drink, or dance.....and I always had to wear a dress......no jeans.....and I was a jeans girl. So, there went that idea.
Then I married and joined my husband's church......which was a mainstream church. The pastor did not preach Jesus which I had an issue with so we left there and went to another mainstream church.....it split because of of issues of doctrine. We went to another charismatic, fundamentalist church....it split apart because of doctrinal issues .......we went to another charismatic, fundamentalist church...ditto...same thing......
Guess what!!?? I am tired and disillusioned. I am not stupid...I read my Bible.I read other books.....I am reading the books that have been banned from the Bible..... I talk to God and I believe He talks to me.....yes, I have heard Him!!
I am tired of being told what to do, how to do it and what to believe in.
I am tired of so-called church people acting like they are better than me......
I am also tired of ministers who think they have to yell to make their point.
I am tired of churches saying you can't drink...news flash...Jesus did...he turned water into wine....AT A WEDDING!!
I am tired of being told you can't dance....DAVID DID!!
I actually had a well meaning church lady tell me my illness was caused because my heart is not right with God.....but also had another tell me it's the devil......
I'm tired of being judged by well-meaning church people. Reminds me of the song that says: "judgement looms under every steeple, from lofty glances from lofty people". I'm tired of church people thinking they are better than everyone else ......yet they live awful lives during the week,
I am tired of churches sharing their own ideas as if the were scriptural.
The bible can be interpreted in different ways.....I'm tired of being told what I need to believe in........
And I am not afraid to say that I am confused.
You know, the closest church set up to the way things were 2000 years ago is actually the "Orthodox" church....
Mark Lowry made another funny but true statement at a show I was at..."I'm not allowed to talk to Mary at the church I attend, so what's she like?"......
Like I said, for whatever reason......I happen to think it is God talking to me........I was led to pray a Catholic prayer during a real tough time in my life. Oh, I can hear the gasps annd the moans.......and I own a rosary and I pray it.......
Now, I am not promoting Catholicism.....I am just saying what I feel connected to......and I feel connected with traditional prayer, candles, music.......but I also love to listen to contemporary Christian music.......I love being able to wear jeans to church.......I sound like a confused mess don't I? I love learning about the lives of saints hoping their ways might rub off on me.......I love contemporary worship, raising my hands and feeling the Lord move. Like I said before in the blog before this I have been slain in the spirit and have felt God touch me in a mighty way.
It's not all just one way...one denomination for me.
Religion should not be a one size fits all......how sad...how boring. God made us unique individuals.....why would He talk to us and reach out to us all in the same way? What works for some won't work for all......and what works now may not work later.
My God have mercy on us all.......May God bless us...everyone.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Ok, I Am Just Going to Put Myself Out There
Ok, I admit it...I'm a little odd...a little different than most people. Surprise!!
And, I am constantly changing, growing and evolving. In fact, what I write here today could be obsolete tomorrow.
My father told me a long time ago to keep an open mind no matter what. I think this has been a great bit of advice.
And, sadly, I think I had lost that for a part of my life.
Anyway.....I'm just going to put some things out there that I believe in....things that have happened to me.
I welcome your comments...but don't judge me. This is factual.....this is not creative writing.
Ghosts
Yes, I believe in ghosts. Now, I am not exactly sure about all of the aspects of ghosts, but I do believe they exist. "Why", I hear you asking. It all started when my grandfather died in 1965. I heard my dad talking to my grandmother that some important papers were missing and they didn't know where they were. They showed up the next day on the kitchen table. Remarkably the almost exact same thing happened when my grandmother passed away in 1972. When you are young you think that its just your family's grief and you chalk it up to coincidence. What they want to believe, right?
Well, thats' all well and good....until it happens to you. My experience was different. The day after my mother passed away I SAW her....yes...I "saw" her with my own two eyes, standing in my dining room. She smiled at me and then was gone. She passed suddenly and unexpectedly...and we were close and I didn't get a chance ro say good bye....and I think she wanted me to know that she was ok.
When my dad died it was also different. My brother and I were cleaning out the family home getting it ready to sell. Dad was a product of the depression and saved everything. His basement was a mess. Well my brother made the remark...."ok dad, what the hell were you thinking keeping all of this shit!"....and the lights blinked on and off......yes, it freaked us out. So every once in a while we'd make a comment to "dad"....and with only a few exceptions , "dad' acknowledged us by flikering the lights.
The summer dad died was also very dry and none of my mother's roses were blooming. However, the day we left their house for the last time her one beautiful pink rose bush had 4 big groups of blooms!! It was amazing. My brother and I figured we each got 2 bunches ..one each from mom and dad. I had also been watching the John Edward Show and pink roses are a sign of acknowledgement and that's just what we needed . We knew they were there watching over us.
These experiences leave me to question the afterlife. I know there is one....but just exactly happens on the other side.
I now love watching shows about ghost hunting. My one big question is if spirits are still here, why aren't they in heaven or hell? Or purgatory...or wherever. If we are ghost hunting should we not be so concerned about contacting them, or do they need to be guided "towards the light" like in Ghost Whisperer?
UFOs
I had always been a little skeptical of UFOs. But, I was intrigued. Keep an open mind ya know.
Well, in the August of 2007 my son, husband and I were in the back yard watching a meteor shower. It was something we had always done with the kids since they were small. Nothing ever happened that was out of the ordinary, except on this night.
An orb appeared in the NE corner of our property. It traveled aprox. 10-15 ft off the ground and crossed over our back yard and turned and went towards the west at the side of our house. It wasn't very big....maybe the size of a muskmelon or volleyball. It had a strobing/flashing greenish yellow light.
We were mesmerized and none of us said anything for a few seconds. And it was odd because we didn't even think of following it.
But, that night changed what I thought forever. I look towards the sky alot more now. And love watching shows about UFOs.
Supernatural Happenings
I was brought up in a traditional church. So, when our family joined a charismatic church and I first witnessed people being slain in the spirit I was very skeptical.
On one particular Sunday, my daughter leaned over and asked me if we believed in "that". I told her I wasn't sure if I did or not. The next thing I know I am on the ground looking up, with people around me and my daughter looking very worried.
Well, now I can honestly say I believe in "that"!!
Another time a group of women and I from the church made a trip to another church for a retreat. We were called up front for special prayer by the minister. He asked God to fill us with His Holy fire....he then repeated "fire" again.....lifting his hand and at that moment I was doubled over with a burning sensation in my belly.
I still think about that all of these years later and long for an experience like that again.
Which leads me to my next topic of thought...religion ...and what I think.......but I will cover that in my next blog.
And, I am constantly changing, growing and evolving. In fact, what I write here today could be obsolete tomorrow.
My father told me a long time ago to keep an open mind no matter what. I think this has been a great bit of advice.
And, sadly, I think I had lost that for a part of my life.
Anyway.....I'm just going to put some things out there that I believe in....things that have happened to me.
I welcome your comments...but don't judge me. This is factual.....this is not creative writing.
Ghosts
Yes, I believe in ghosts. Now, I am not exactly sure about all of the aspects of ghosts, but I do believe they exist. "Why", I hear you asking. It all started when my grandfather died in 1965. I heard my dad talking to my grandmother that some important papers were missing and they didn't know where they were. They showed up the next day on the kitchen table. Remarkably the almost exact same thing happened when my grandmother passed away in 1972. When you are young you think that its just your family's grief and you chalk it up to coincidence. What they want to believe, right?
Well, thats' all well and good....until it happens to you. My experience was different. The day after my mother passed away I SAW her....yes...I "saw" her with my own two eyes, standing in my dining room. She smiled at me and then was gone. She passed suddenly and unexpectedly...and we were close and I didn't get a chance ro say good bye....and I think she wanted me to know that she was ok.
When my dad died it was also different. My brother and I were cleaning out the family home getting it ready to sell. Dad was a product of the depression and saved everything. His basement was a mess. Well my brother made the remark...."ok dad, what the hell were you thinking keeping all of this shit!"....and the lights blinked on and off......yes, it freaked us out. So every once in a while we'd make a comment to "dad"....and with only a few exceptions , "dad' acknowledged us by flikering the lights.
The summer dad died was also very dry and none of my mother's roses were blooming. However, the day we left their house for the last time her one beautiful pink rose bush had 4 big groups of blooms!! It was amazing. My brother and I figured we each got 2 bunches ..one each from mom and dad. I had also been watching the John Edward Show and pink roses are a sign of acknowledgement and that's just what we needed . We knew they were there watching over us.
These experiences leave me to question the afterlife. I know there is one....but just exactly happens on the other side.
I now love watching shows about ghost hunting. My one big question is if spirits are still here, why aren't they in heaven or hell? Or purgatory...or wherever. If we are ghost hunting should we not be so concerned about contacting them, or do they need to be guided "towards the light" like in Ghost Whisperer?
UFOs
I had always been a little skeptical of UFOs. But, I was intrigued. Keep an open mind ya know.
Well, in the August of 2007 my son, husband and I were in the back yard watching a meteor shower. It was something we had always done with the kids since they were small. Nothing ever happened that was out of the ordinary, except on this night.
An orb appeared in the NE corner of our property. It traveled aprox. 10-15 ft off the ground and crossed over our back yard and turned and went towards the west at the side of our house. It wasn't very big....maybe the size of a muskmelon or volleyball. It had a strobing/flashing greenish yellow light.
We were mesmerized and none of us said anything for a few seconds. And it was odd because we didn't even think of following it.
But, that night changed what I thought forever. I look towards the sky alot more now. And love watching shows about UFOs.
Supernatural Happenings
I was brought up in a traditional church. So, when our family joined a charismatic church and I first witnessed people being slain in the spirit I was very skeptical.
On one particular Sunday, my daughter leaned over and asked me if we believed in "that". I told her I wasn't sure if I did or not. The next thing I know I am on the ground looking up, with people around me and my daughter looking very worried.
Well, now I can honestly say I believe in "that"!!
Another time a group of women and I from the church made a trip to another church for a retreat. We were called up front for special prayer by the minister. He asked God to fill us with His Holy fire....he then repeated "fire" again.....lifting his hand and at that moment I was doubled over with a burning sensation in my belly.
I still think about that all of these years later and long for an experience like that again.
Which leads me to my next topic of thought...religion ...and what I think.......but I will cover that in my next blog.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
It's All About Perspective
A week ago I had a topic I wanted to write about and it was "what are you sick of". At the time I was so sick of my housework routine, winter and just the general rut I was in.
What a difference a week makes.
Last week my daughter spent 2 1/2 days in the hopsital.....so complaining about cleaning seems pretty petty right now.
It's all about perspective...where we are at , at the moment and how we see things.....at that moment. Our perspective is constantly changing.
I am still hating the thought of cleaning....but not as much as having one of my kids be sick.
And the kicker to all of this is that everyone sees things differently. No one is ever going to see things the way I see them and vice versa....some might be close, but no one is going to see things 100% the way I do. guess that makes me unique!!
When you think about that it really makes you wonder why we care about what others think in the first place.
Perspective is also a cause for alot of conflicts....we think we understand each other but in reality can this ever be true? I doubt it.
I try to be an understanding person. Yet, I find myself in the middle of a conflict and I don't know how I got there. The "other conflictee" has a different perspective of our conversation and is now upset with me. I am searching for a reason ...for a cause....and I think it is all about perspective. What I meant as a benign question was perceived as an attack , as an insensitive ( I assume) request.
Whatever, it still hurts......
It's just your perspective.............wish it was more understanding as well........but, its your choice.
It is our choice whether we will be hurtful or helpful.....hurting or hoping.....cruel or kind.....
What's your perspective today?
What a difference a week makes.
Last week my daughter spent 2 1/2 days in the hopsital.....so complaining about cleaning seems pretty petty right now.
It's all about perspective...where we are at , at the moment and how we see things.....at that moment. Our perspective is constantly changing.
I am still hating the thought of cleaning....but not as much as having one of my kids be sick.
And the kicker to all of this is that everyone sees things differently. No one is ever going to see things the way I see them and vice versa....some might be close, but no one is going to see things 100% the way I do. guess that makes me unique!!
When you think about that it really makes you wonder why we care about what others think in the first place.
Perspective is also a cause for alot of conflicts....we think we understand each other but in reality can this ever be true? I doubt it.
I try to be an understanding person. Yet, I find myself in the middle of a conflict and I don't know how I got there. The "other conflictee" has a different perspective of our conversation and is now upset with me. I am searching for a reason ...for a cause....and I think it is all about perspective. What I meant as a benign question was perceived as an attack , as an insensitive ( I assume) request.
Whatever, it still hurts......
It's just your perspective.............wish it was more understanding as well........but, its your choice.
It is our choice whether we will be hurtful or helpful.....hurting or hoping.....cruel or kind.....
What's your perspective today?
Thursday, February 3, 2011
But You Don't Look sick
Fibromyalgia and autoimmune illnesses have become a part of my life.
13 yrs ago this month (12th) I lost my mother to lupus. She had suffered for sometime with an illness no one could name. She had raynauds, and scleraderma and alopecia.....and she died....without knowing what she had. She did not even have a positive ANA test that would have alerted her doctor to her illness. She also had Graves disease.
20 yrs ago after the birth of my 3rd child I began having problems of my own. I became exhaused and I had pain in my muscles and joints. My doctor said that I had 3 small chilldren and that was the reason and not to worry. I also developed rashes on my head, eyes, legs, hands, face and chest.
The pain has gotten progressively worse over the years. It has affected every part of my life.
My brother is also affected my two autoimmune illnesses. He was originally diagnosed with hashimotos. But recently he was also diagnosed with sjogrens.....and autoimmune polyglandular syndrome because it has destroyed his pituitary gland.
So, I decided to do some research of my own.
I discovered that my maternal grandfather had type 1 diabetes. My maternal grandmother had myasthenia gravis.
Along with my mom, one of her brothers has epilepsy, one died from type one diabetes, 2 sisters had myasthenia gravis and another has autoimmune ear problems.
Out of 33 cousins...half suffer with some sort of autoimmune issues...or fibromyalgia.
Now, I ask......is there a connection?
Seems like it to me.......................
We also seem to suffer from anxiety disorders.
What worries me is that I am also seeing some symptoms in my children..
It is very frustrating that physcians have trouble diagnosing these diseases. And I am not sure why.
What hurts the most is when they think it is all "in your head". We look pretty good......for feeling like crap.
Its hard when even your own family doesn't understand how you feel.....how bad you feel.....how depressing it is......how you feel like a failure because you can't hold down a job anymore......that even normal everyday activities are difficult. The joy of living is gone.
Why? Why can't more be done? Why is it like this? what causes it?
So many questions........no answers.
13 yrs ago this month (12th) I lost my mother to lupus. She had suffered for sometime with an illness no one could name. She had raynauds, and scleraderma and alopecia.....and she died....without knowing what she had. She did not even have a positive ANA test that would have alerted her doctor to her illness. She also had Graves disease.
20 yrs ago after the birth of my 3rd child I began having problems of my own. I became exhaused and I had pain in my muscles and joints. My doctor said that I had 3 small chilldren and that was the reason and not to worry. I also developed rashes on my head, eyes, legs, hands, face and chest.
The pain has gotten progressively worse over the years. It has affected every part of my life.
My brother is also affected my two autoimmune illnesses. He was originally diagnosed with hashimotos. But recently he was also diagnosed with sjogrens.....and autoimmune polyglandular syndrome because it has destroyed his pituitary gland.
So, I decided to do some research of my own.
I discovered that my maternal grandfather had type 1 diabetes. My maternal grandmother had myasthenia gravis.
Along with my mom, one of her brothers has epilepsy, one died from type one diabetes, 2 sisters had myasthenia gravis and another has autoimmune ear problems.
Out of 33 cousins...half suffer with some sort of autoimmune issues...or fibromyalgia.
Now, I ask......is there a connection?
Seems like it to me.......................
We also seem to suffer from anxiety disorders.
What worries me is that I am also seeing some symptoms in my children..
It is very frustrating that physcians have trouble diagnosing these diseases. And I am not sure why.
What hurts the most is when they think it is all "in your head". We look pretty good......for feeling like crap.
Its hard when even your own family doesn't understand how you feel.....how bad you feel.....how depressing it is......how you feel like a failure because you can't hold down a job anymore......that even normal everyday activities are difficult. The joy of living is gone.
Why? Why can't more be done? Why is it like this? what causes it?
So many questions........no answers.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Well the Groundhog Did NOT See his Shadow
Happy Ground Hog Day!! He didn't see his shadow so we have our fingers crossed for an early spring......but I am not holding my breath.
Sitting here trying to enjoy this "snow day".......so many possibilities!!
Fighting a bout of depression yet again......don't even feel like writing but "forced" myself because I haven't written in several days.
Sometimes life just seems so futile.....and we have old age to look forward to. Where has the joy gone?
Sitting here trying to enjoy this "snow day".......so many possibilities!!
Fighting a bout of depression yet again......don't even feel like writing but "forced" myself because I haven't written in several days.
Sometimes life just seems so futile.....and we have old age to look forward to. Where has the joy gone?
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Customer Service
Am I old fashioned or has the days of customer service gone by the wayside?
I am dealing with a company I did business with and my bank and both seem unwilling to help me. It has been very frustrating for me . It was not my mistake....but it has become my problem.....and it is up to me to fix it.
I used to work at a bank and one of the first things my dear boss taught me was "the customer is always right".....even if they are wrong. One of my duties was to balance customers checkbooks when they were overdrawn and having dificulties in finding the problem. This is the absolute truth.....one day I had a lady come in who was madder than a hornet and flat out told me "she could not be overdrawn, she still had checks in her checkbook!" That day I asked my supervisor to help her......I admit I wasn't sure how that addage"the customer is always right" was going to help me with her!! haha.......anyway............
I just think it is so sad and such a reflection on the times we live in that customer service is dead or dying. No one cares.....It's me first and to hell with you. Screw you customer!!
That's how I feel ...today anyway.
I sent out certified mail to the company and my bank today to get their mistake taken care of. What's wrong with this picture? Yea, it's me...doing their job, spending my money to fix their mistake. And the mistake was that they had charged me twice!!
What happened to the Golden Rule? Does anyone remember what that even is??? Hey all you business people....a little hint.....maybe if you treated your customers better your business would grow....
Just an idea.....
I will keep you posted.
I am dealing with a company I did business with and my bank and both seem unwilling to help me. It has been very frustrating for me . It was not my mistake....but it has become my problem.....and it is up to me to fix it.
I used to work at a bank and one of the first things my dear boss taught me was "the customer is always right".....even if they are wrong. One of my duties was to balance customers checkbooks when they were overdrawn and having dificulties in finding the problem. This is the absolute truth.....one day I had a lady come in who was madder than a hornet and flat out told me "she could not be overdrawn, she still had checks in her checkbook!" That day I asked my supervisor to help her......I admit I wasn't sure how that addage"the customer is always right" was going to help me with her!! haha.......anyway............
I just think it is so sad and such a reflection on the times we live in that customer service is dead or dying. No one cares.....It's me first and to hell with you. Screw you customer!!
That's how I feel ...today anyway.
I sent out certified mail to the company and my bank today to get their mistake taken care of. What's wrong with this picture? Yea, it's me...doing their job, spending my money to fix their mistake. And the mistake was that they had charged me twice!!
What happened to the Golden Rule? Does anyone remember what that even is??? Hey all you business people....a little hint.....maybe if you treated your customers better your business would grow....
Just an idea.....
I will keep you posted.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Regrets...I've Had a Few
Ah, regrets......woulda shoulda coulda.....
That's what I've been thinking about today.
What have you quit or given up in your life that you regret? For me....for today....it is taking guitar lessons.
I took lessons in HS....but, like with alot of other things....got interested in other things......and gave it up and sold the guitar. Oh how I wish I would have kept at it.
Another old friend.....not the "inner swan" friend.....reminded me of the following:
Grandma Moses started painting at 76.....
Ronald Reagan didn't get into politics until he was 55....
Anne Morrow Lindbergh had her first book published when she was 49....
Lincoln lost every election until he won president at 50...
Shirley Temple Black became an ambassador at 47...
oplda Meir was elected PM of Israel at 71....
Okay, okay......this is exactly what I needed to hear...and exactly what I've been dealing with.....
On my new to do list:
find an inexpensive guitar
find someone to give lessons to an old lady (you CAN'T TEACH AN OLD DOG NEW TRICKS)
become a member of my art center
take an art class
AND TO NOT LOSE MY NERVE!!!!!!!
That's what I've been thinking about today.
What have you quit or given up in your life that you regret? For me....for today....it is taking guitar lessons.
I took lessons in HS....but, like with alot of other things....got interested in other things......and gave it up and sold the guitar. Oh how I wish I would have kept at it.
Another old friend.....not the "inner swan" friend.....reminded me of the following:
Grandma Moses started painting at 76.....
Ronald Reagan didn't get into politics until he was 55....
Anne Morrow Lindbergh had her first book published when she was 49....
Lincoln lost every election until he won president at 50...
Shirley Temple Black became an ambassador at 47...
oplda Meir was elected PM of Israel at 71....
Okay, okay......this is exactly what I needed to hear...and exactly what I've been dealing with.....
On my new to do list:
find an inexpensive guitar
find someone to give lessons to an old lady (you CAN'T TEACH AN OLD DOG NEW TRICKS)
become a member of my art center
take an art class
AND TO NOT LOSE MY NERVE!!!!!!!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
I'm From the Island of Misfit Toys
Been thinking about the last question I asked: why do I care so much what others think about me???
I believe it is because of my childhood. I was "chubby".....taller and bigger than most kids my age. So I was teased daily. some of my nicknames were Tubby the tuba, fatty fatty 2 by 4 couldn't get through the bathroom door, etc.That tends to stick with a kid ya know?
Then there were things like not being able to do the monkey bars like the other kids did, or not having my knee socks fit like the other girls.
But, the biggest thing was that my own grandmother looked at me as a fatr kid. She had me on a low carb diet at an early age. She sewed dresses for me and always stressed that girls my size wore A line dresses to hid the hips. and never wear large prints....heaven forbid!! All I ever heard was"I am a big disappointment to this lady that means so much to me." I know she worried that I might never date, let alone marry.
The sad thing .....when I look back at my old pictures....I don't look fat.....I was just bigger than most kids my age. Even my children have pointed this out to me......so what the hell????
This low self image has haunted me my entire life.....even today. And, I have come to appreciate that even though I might be bigger than some people I know.....I resemble most of my female cousins and that eases the pain I feel. Its like "Hey world!! This is me!! Deal with it....I look like my family!!"
But, it has also affected the way I deal with everything.......I have always leaned toward being shy and introverted so I wouldn't feel the sting of hurtful comments or stares. I never wanted to share my feelings or get close to others for fear of rejection.
I wish my grandma could see me now. I have been happily married for 30yrs....have 5 great kids....3 grandkids.....and here I am!!
I know that I will always be short and stout....like a little tea pot ya know. But isn't whats in my heart and my head more important than what I look like?
Ah, question #3............
I believe it is because of my childhood. I was "chubby".....taller and bigger than most kids my age. So I was teased daily. some of my nicknames were Tubby the tuba, fatty fatty 2 by 4 couldn't get through the bathroom door, etc.That tends to stick with a kid ya know?
Then there were things like not being able to do the monkey bars like the other kids did, or not having my knee socks fit like the other girls.
But, the biggest thing was that my own grandmother looked at me as a fatr kid. She had me on a low carb diet at an early age. She sewed dresses for me and always stressed that girls my size wore A line dresses to hid the hips. and never wear large prints....heaven forbid!! All I ever heard was"I am a big disappointment to this lady that means so much to me." I know she worried that I might never date, let alone marry.
The sad thing .....when I look back at my old pictures....I don't look fat.....I was just bigger than most kids my age. Even my children have pointed this out to me......so what the hell????
This low self image has haunted me my entire life.....even today. And, I have come to appreciate that even though I might be bigger than some people I know.....I resemble most of my female cousins and that eases the pain I feel. Its like "Hey world!! This is me!! Deal with it....I look like my family!!"
But, it has also affected the way I deal with everything.......I have always leaned toward being shy and introverted so I wouldn't feel the sting of hurtful comments or stares. I never wanted to share my feelings or get close to others for fear of rejection.
I wish my grandma could see me now. I have been happily married for 30yrs....have 5 great kids....3 grandkids.....and here I am!!
I know that I will always be short and stout....like a little tea pot ya know. But isn't whats in my heart and my head more important than what I look like?
Ah, question #3............
Monday, January 24, 2011
Getting Started.....The first Question of Many
Exactly, just how does a person get over the fear of what others think about them?
I live in a little town where everyone knows you or knows of someone who does. Gossip travels like wild fire and judgement rings out from every corner.
Do I dare wear that scarf? What will others think? What about the big earrings? Or the music I listen to, or that I am short and fat, or this or that.......Do other people really care about it as much as I think they do or is it just me?
So, then the 2nd question has to be "and why do I care what others think"?
I live in a little town where everyone knows you or knows of someone who does. Gossip travels like wild fire and judgement rings out from every corner.
Do I dare wear that scarf? What will others think? What about the big earrings? Or the music I listen to, or that I am short and fat, or this or that.......Do other people really care about it as much as I think they do or is it just me?
So, then the 2nd question has to be "and why do I care what others think"?
Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
Hey world!! I did it!! I have a blog!!And I am excited about it.
See, I feel like I am at one of those major junctions of my life. Some people call it the "mid-life crisis", or reinventing one's self or having a "bucket list". Whatever it is, that is where I am I guess.
An old classmate of my has challenged her friends to find our "inner swan".
Here goes nothin!!
I want to paint, and draw and write.......and this is the beginning!!
I feel like I have become dull, boring......life gets that way sometimes. I get so involved in cooking, cleaning, laundry....blah blah blah......that I feel like I am suffocating.
So I want to be known as fun, happy, exciting.
Well, I looked up the word "eccentric" and this is what I found:
So just think of me as "seeking eccentricity".
Stay tuned!!
See, I feel like I am at one of those major junctions of my life. Some people call it the "mid-life crisis", or reinventing one's self or having a "bucket list". Whatever it is, that is where I am I guess.
An old classmate of my has challenged her friends to find our "inner swan".
Here goes nothin!!
I want to paint, and draw and write.......and this is the beginning!!
I feel like I have become dull, boring......life gets that way sometimes. I get so involved in cooking, cleaning, laundry....blah blah blah......that I feel like I am suffocating.
So I want to be known as fun, happy, exciting.
Well, I looked up the word "eccentric" and this is what I found:
| Main Entry: | eccentric |
| Part of Speech: | adjective |
| Definition: | bizarre, unusual |
| Synonyms: | aberrant, abnormal, anomalous, beat*, bent*, bizarre, capricious, characteristic, cockeyed, crazy, curious, droll, erratic, far out, flaky, freak, freakish, funky*, funny, idiosyncratic, irregular, kooky, nutty, odd, oddball, off the wall, off-center, offbeat, out in left field, outlandish, peculiar, quaint, queer, quirky, quizzical, singular, strange, uncommon, unconventional, unnatural, way out, weird, whimsical, wild |
| Antonyms: | boring, common, dull, normal, ordinary, plain, regular, standard, unexciting, usual |
* = informal/non-formal usage
| Main Entry: | eccentric |
| Part of Speech: | noun |
| Definition: | person who is bizarre, unusual |
| Synonyms: | beatnik, character, freak, hippie, kook, loner, maverick, nonconformist, nut*, odd person, oddball, oddity, original, queer duck, rare bird, three-dollar bill, weirdo |
| Antonyms: | normal, standard |
So just think of me as "seeking eccentricity".
Stay tuned!!
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