Reconnecting With Old Friends

Life is So Hard.....How Do I get My Joy Back?

This past week has been one I hope I won't ever have to repeat.

First...I was at three different funeral homes this week. Once is too much.

One funeral was for a dear family member who passed away at 84. It's hard, but in your head you reason it out thinking that they had a long and happy life.

The other two were for people my age. THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!! Right? Why does it seem that more and more people my age are dying. I guess it is because I am getting older, but this is not fair.
It is so hard to see people you care about hurting so much. My heart breaks for them.

And I help take care of an elderly family member whose dementia is getting worse. One day she lashed out at me for no reason. I realize it is just her condition, but it still hurts.

And I tried out a new job....that was just going to be too much for me....and I gave it up.....

And several of my loved one are dealing with health issues.....

And.....my joy is gone.....my depression has won. I could sit and just cry forever.

How do I get my joy back? How do I enjoy my life once again? I feel overwhelmed and defeated.

Life is just one big chore right now. Everyday is hard. Each moment a struggle for me.

Even the normal every day routine gets to be too much.....bills, and schedules....fix up projects and messes....responsibilities and worries.

I am tired. Stop world, I want to get off!! If I cry "uncle" will you let me alone for awhile??

I wonder if I can even keep on going. I try to look forward to things......but most of those times involve my family who all live too far away from me.

My joy is gone. Now what do I do?

Why................

Sometimes things happen in life that we do not understand. Things happen in life that we have no control over.

And the question people have been asking for years is "why do bad things happen to good people"?

Sometimes we pray and it seems like God isn't listening. Then we question does he even care? If He did then things would be different.

And, I am asking "Why" tonight.

Nope, I don't have any answers....I wish I did....but I don't...

I am just here.....in a dark place.....with lots of questions.

How does a person go about getting their joy back? How do you ever feel like you used to?

Life is so hard sometimes that days like these make you question going on......

And yet, friends remind me that  God, the Higher Power....has a reason for everything......

But you know...for the life of me I am not sure what the reason is......

Dealing With Chronic Illness

Just returned from a visit to the doctor.

I hate doctor's visits. I hate sitting there telling him all of my troubles. I hate whiners. I don't want to be a whiner......but that's what I feel like.

I try to keep going everyday......to do what I need to do....but some days it is very hard.

I hate feeling bad everyday. I hate not being able to do what I want to do when I want to.

I hate feeling like I am letting everyone down because I can't hold down a job or because I can't keep up with housework.

I HATE IT! I HATE IT!

I am determined not to let this "thing" ruin me......but how?