Does Anyone Do This Anymore

So, does anyone do this anymore? Writing blogs I mean. It's been a long time since I've been here. The last time I wrote about my dear husband having colon cancer. Two years ago he had completed his first round of chemo and we were very hopeful that he had beaten it. He even went back to work.....And then last February he got sick again....and the cancer was back and it had spread. He fought valiantly but it just wasn't enough. We lost him in June. And I lost the best part of me.....and I am not sure where to go or what to do from here. I am struggling. I cry everyday. The memories are painful. I'm told that someday they will be sweet, but right now they sting. I am reminded of everything I lost. I feel cheated that we didn't get to do the things we had planned after his retirement. And I am mad because my prayers weren't answered. I lost my best friend and the love of my life.  Nothing really matters anymore. I struggle with finding purpose in my day. I miss him more than I can tell you. I miss our talks and his wisdom and his love for me. He came to me at a very difficult part of my life and he saved me. He was the best thing that every happened to me...except for my kids and grandkids...but I wouldn't have them either without him. He worked so hard. And I am sad that he wasn't able to enjoy life without working. He was a great father and grandfather. The best dad I ever knew. I'm lonely, but it's just not the normal kind of loneliness. It's deep and intense....unending. No one can really fill the void I feel. And I doubt that anyone will ever be able to. So here I am.....and I'm not sure what comes next.

Whoa...Stop the World...I Want to Get Off !!

Where to start? Time to catch my breath before something else happens. How can so much happen? It's this thing called LIFE. Anyway....here I am again after not having written in months. Why the long absence you ask? Here is an update. As I have mentioned before I take care of my aunt who just turned 92 :). Well, shortly after my last blog in November she got shingles....which led to a urinary tract infection in December....which led to bronchitis and a stay in the hospital come February....which led to a stay with me in my home. She finally got back on her feet which made me feel much better because you just never know sometimes. And just when I thought I might be able to take a breath and enjoy a great summer....because I hate winter.....my world gets turned upside down. My husband, the love of my life, was diagnosed with colon cancer. He had major surgery to have the tumor removed and it felt like my heart was being torn out. He was so very sick for over a month. And then started the chemo treatments which also make him very sick. He has completed 4 treatments with 8 to go. People, I never thought I'd be here...dealing with this. This stuff happens to other people...right? Things like this really put your whole life in perspective. And God has a funny way of mixing the worst with the best. The day my husband was diagnosed with cancer we found out we were going to be grandparents again!! We will welcome a little girl in January :). Also, I had just gone through another rejection of my crochet work at a shop where I had been selling my items back in November. I was crushed. My items were selling and I didn't understand why this was happening to me...AGAIN. But I think God knew that this was the best for me right now. I haven't had time, nor felt like crocheting since the diagnosis. So, here I am today. My husband is home....on sick leave....with me.....and I love it. I love that we have this time together even though the circumstances suck. We have realized just how precious our time together is. But, I'm not going to lie. This has been hard and draining. I'm tired and feel like I've been beat up. Between my aunt and my husband sometimes I wonder if things will ever get better. I get so down and depressed sometimes ....and then I feel guilty for being whiny. One thing I want to stress through all of this though is to say...PEOPLE...GET A COLONOCOPY!! If my hubby would have we might not be in this situation right now. Don't put it off.....please. And, second....don't take the people in your life for granted. We aren't promised tomorrow.

I Am Having One of Those Days

Well, who knew it would be 11 months for me to write again. And who really cares ? Right? I know that most of the events in my life are not newsworthy.....ok, none of them are. I think that is why I have a hard time writing about things going on in my life. when I first started this blog (gosh, almost 2 years ago now?) I thought it would be easy because there is a part of me that loves to write. But, I have found that it is more difficult than I imagined. First, because it is hard to put your life "out there" to be judged and talked about and criticized and examined. Second, because who am I to think that my experiences and feelings matter to anyone but me? So...I am having one of those kind of days: where things aren't going right. I am having a lousy day. But, I bet you are too. Or, maybe you are having a fabulous day and you do not want to hear about my problems. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. Do you understand that? Or are you thinking I am ridiculous? I feel like a failure. Have you ever felt like this? Or do you think I am being overly dramatic? I am questioning what I should do next. Is that normal or am I nuts? I worry about things like finances and relationships and health matters......the list is endless. > My problems aren't as big as some of you, but does that mean they do not matter? Does that mean it doesn't affect me or those I care about? Or do you think I am whining? Because I hurt am I allowed to voice that pain? Or should I just smile and go on like nothing matters? Because, you know, I do that ALOT! I try to be strong and brave but on days like today it is almost impossible to go on. I try to be the best person I can be. I try to put others before me. I try to do nice things for others. So why do I feel like when I do I keep getting kicked and knocked down? Am I just feeling sorry for myself? Why do I feel like giving up? In my life I have experienced betrayal by people I thought loved me......several times in fact. I have faced disappointment and sorrow and pain.............and so have you. Even at my advanced age I still question why I am here and am I doing what I need to do. I really don't want you to answer my questions? I just want to be able to feel the way I feel without feeling guilty about it. And without explaining myself or qualifying my emotions. Is that possible?

HAPPY 2014!

I apologize for not writing on here as often as I had hoped I would. I made it through the holidays and lived to tell about it!! All of the kids and grandkids were home and I loved every beautiful, noisy, messy moment of it!! When we all get together we number 15 now! And now were are well into the New Year.....which always leads me to do some reflecting. 2013 was an interesting year......it brought a divorce which is a lot like having a death in the family and an ending to another relationship ....but it also brought new relationships.......and happiness that some thought had been lost forever. It brought hard days because of illness, but also new opportunities for my creativity. It has seen family disagreements , but also forgiveness. I have reconnected with friends from years ago and that has made me happy. I have learned through some of these re-connections that sometimes things weren't exactly as I had perceived them to be......on one hand that made the situation better.....in another it brought pain.....and the pain led to regret....rediscovery.....and a better understanding of what had transpired. We have seen death and new life..... As I write this I am compelled to keep moving forward......hesitantly in some ways .......because life has a way of smacking you in the face. I seem to no longer run head long into the days before me.....but to take each day as it comes and to spend as much time there as I can. For we are not promised tomorrow. I have decided to try and not take things or people for granted. Not much of a new year's resolution....but more of a statement of being grateful in the moment. To realize that all in all I am blessed. Even when the days are hard......look for the good in everyone and every situation.

Awesome!

I had a good day and I wanted to share it with all of you! I can hear some of you saying "well isn't that special!" or "why is having a good day noteworthy?" Ok, ok...I'm getting there.....:) First, it was my morning "off". I take care of my aunt and I didn't have to go to her place this morning. I love my aunt, but sometimes seeing her age and with all of those difficulties can be depressing.... and just having the morning off means I can take my time and do things I don't normally get to do. This morning that meant coloring my hair and having prayer time. Simple but satisfying. Second, I am a part of a book club that is reading "One Month to Live" by Kerry and Chris Shook. I haven't gotten very far, but all ready I am looking at things differently. I had a little extra time and I was going to clean bathrooms. Ah, yes...my life is just so exciting!! haha...But then I thought how nice the day was being cooler, how I had been wanting to just get away and how I had been wanting to try walking at the reservoir. So, I thought why not just go and do it. And I did!! Now, I know some of you are wondering why walking is such a big deal. I admit for most people walking is not a big deal, but for me this is epic!! I used to walk all of the time. In fact I loved it. But, as my fibromyalgia progressed it just became too painful and I stopped going. Well, it was awesome!! Yes, I made it all of the way around reservoir #2......it took me about 50 minutes which I am sure is a lot slower than most folks but that's ok with me. Not only making it the entire way makes me feel so good, but I had a wonderful time. Anyone who knows me well knows that I have a special affection for birds and water fowl in particular. While walking I got to see four ducks, a beautiful goose and four gorgeous cranes!! It was fantastic!! And I was followed on my route by 3 yellow/orange butterflies. I have a sneaking suspicion that they just might have been someone I know and love ...;) My legs are "angry" with me right now, but that's ok. We will see how I feel tomorrow. This afternoon was spent running errands and I was also able to squeeze in yet another quiet/prayer time.....which means a lot to me. The biggest surprise I got though was a gift of flowers from a dear friend of mine who always seems to know what I need before I do. Friends are true blessings!! My hope for all of you is to not take things for granted, to tell the people you love how you feel before it is too late, to love each day as if it were your last and do something that makes you happy!!

I just Want to Be Good at Something

My life has not really turned out the way I thought it would. Now, mind you, that's not all bad. It's mostly good. But life sure does give you some surprises along the way. Since fibro has inhibited my ability to hold down a "real" job....and since because of that it has inhibited my ability to bring in money for the household.....I started trying my hand at being "creative" to try and earn some money to help out. Being creative also seems to help me feel better ......if not always physically...it helps mentally. So, for the past couple of years I have been painting and decoupaging and crocheting. It made me feel so good. But I had a bad experience a year and a half ago when I had tried to become a part of a "community" of sorts and was told my items were not good enough to be included in this community. Needless to say I was crushed. It took me a long time to try again after that. And, I'm still recovering from it. I never feel confident anymore. But, today I took a step ......a step that was very hard for me to do. I put some of my "work" in a new little shop that is opening on Friday. The owner has made a big difference in my life with her encouragement. I still felt so nervous though. And looking around at all of the beautiful items in her store made me feel inadequate once again. I am not sure I fit in ...but I will keep you posted. I just want to be good at something.....I want to be good at something that no one else is. I want to be special and stand out because of my talent. Is that unrealistic? Fingers crossed that I can actually sell some items so I can feel productive again. And maybe that will help chase the depression away.

So, That's What You've Been Up To...............

Some of you may know that I don't have a normal job outside of the home because of my fibromyalgia......or whatever it is. I was diagnosed in 2006. And I was approved for disability a year ago......even though it is not alot of money it certainly helps. So, what do I do all day you might ask. Some days it is just a struggle to accomplish normal household duties. But I also help my 89 year old aunt. She is still pretty spry for her age but needs some help here and there. So I do what I can. Sometimes it is depressing, but it also helps me if I focus on her. Does that make sense? I don't dwell on my own aches and pains so much. I also try to spend sometime each day "creating". During the colder months I crochet.....alot. I am just beginning to read the book "Crochet Saved My Life.....the Mental and Physical Benefits of Crochet" by Kathryn Vercillo. Even though I have just begun....I totally agree with the premise of this book. Crocheting allows me to forget myself for a bit, to move beyond my limits.....to use my mind and be creative...which helps me feel better and feel productive. So, today I just wanted to share some pictures of my creations. I also have been able to donate hats to my local pregnancy life center and to the NICU unit where my daughter works. That also makes me feel like I am helping....even if it is just a little. I still struggle.....we still have issues with lack of money which makes me feel like I am to blame......but I am trying not to give up......and I am fighting to keep my depression in check.