I spend time each day with my aunt. Her name is Pat. She is 88 and suffers from dementia. She is also losing her eyesight. It's hard to see her this way because she has always been fiesty and independent.....a women's liber before it was accepted. The good news is that she is still just as fiesty as she used to be. It's just hard on her now because she is dependent on others to help her.
Some days ....most days......we talk about the same old things....I hear the same stories over and over again.....Sometimes it gets monotonous.....but other days I find it so comforting. She, afterall, is the only link that really remains to my father's side of the family and to their past and I try to treasure each moment because I realize she won't be here forever.
Then there are other days when she is more lucid....more connected.....and we actually talk of "new" old things. I learn things that I had never known, or am reminded of things that I may have forgotten.
One day we were talking and I was telling her about all that is going on in my life and how my 4th child will be leaving the nest soon. I expressed some worry and sadness over yet another stage in my life. Pat made the comment that "well, at least they (my children) know they can always come home again if they need to. I said "yes, I just wish I could have known that when I was their age."
Pat looked at me with surprise. She asked me why I had said that. I told her that my mom would have gladly let me come back home, but not my father. She got almost indignant with me and said "oh, thats not true!".....I explained that it most certainly was and dad made it quite clear to me that I was not allowed to come back. She seemed surprised and tried to protect my father, her brother, by saying "oh, he might have said that but deep down inside didn't mean it."
Ever since that conversation.....and a few others we have had.....I have been wondering who this man, that was my father, really is....I want to know why I didn't really get to know him. I feel sad that he did not show his kind side to me. He was always stern and strong.....almost harsh....to me. Very seldom did I ever see, a softer, gentler man.
Her perception of him is completely different than mine. He was a good provider. He was a hard disciplinarian. I think I turned out pretty well. But, oh how I wish I could have had a deeper relationship with him. As a result of his harshness and standoffishness...is that a word??.....I feel slighted. I feel like we were really strangers. Some daughters have their dad's wrapped around their little finger. I NEVER felt like I was "daddy's little girl"!! And I want to know why.
So, maybe this is why I chose a kinder man as my husband. A man who I knew was a good dad from the very beginning.
And, maybe that's why I try so hard to be more like my mom......and to be there for my kids no matter what.
I want to be remembered with love......not disappointment.
