I Am Having One of Those Days

Well, who knew it would be 11 months for me to write again. And who really cares ? Right? I know that most of the events in my life are not newsworthy.....ok, none of them are. I think that is why I have a hard time writing about things going on in my life. when I first started this blog (gosh, almost 2 years ago now?) I thought it would be easy because there is a part of me that loves to write. But, I have found that it is more difficult than I imagined. First, because it is hard to put your life "out there" to be judged and talked about and criticized and examined. Second, because who am I to think that my experiences and feelings matter to anyone but me? So...I am having one of those kind of days: where things aren't going right. I am having a lousy day. But, I bet you are too. Or, maybe you are having a fabulous day and you do not want to hear about my problems. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. Do you understand that? Or are you thinking I am ridiculous? I feel like a failure. Have you ever felt like this? Or do you think I am being overly dramatic? I am questioning what I should do next. Is that normal or am I nuts? I worry about things like finances and relationships and health matters......the list is endless. > My problems aren't as big as some of you, but does that mean they do not matter? Does that mean it doesn't affect me or those I care about? Or do you think I am whining? Because I hurt am I allowed to voice that pain? Or should I just smile and go on like nothing matters? Because, you know, I do that ALOT! I try to be strong and brave but on days like today it is almost impossible to go on. I try to be the best person I can be. I try to put others before me. I try to do nice things for others. So why do I feel like when I do I keep getting kicked and knocked down? Am I just feeling sorry for myself? Why do I feel like giving up? In my life I have experienced betrayal by people I thought loved me......several times in fact. I have faced disappointment and sorrow and pain.............and so have you. Even at my advanced age I still question why I am here and am I doing what I need to do. I really don't want you to answer my questions? I just want to be able to feel the way I feel without feeling guilty about it. And without explaining myself or qualifying my emotions. Is that possible?

HAPPY 2014!

I apologize for not writing on here as often as I had hoped I would. I made it through the holidays and lived to tell about it!! All of the kids and grandkids were home and I loved every beautiful, noisy, messy moment of it!! When we all get together we number 15 now! And now were are well into the New Year.....which always leads me to do some reflecting. 2013 was an interesting year......it brought a divorce which is a lot like having a death in the family and an ending to another relationship ....but it also brought new relationships.......and happiness that some thought had been lost forever. It brought hard days because of illness, but also new opportunities for my creativity. It has seen family disagreements , but also forgiveness. I have reconnected with friends from years ago and that has made me happy. I have learned through some of these re-connections that sometimes things weren't exactly as I had perceived them to be......on one hand that made the situation better.....in another it brought pain.....and the pain led to regret....rediscovery.....and a better understanding of what had transpired. We have seen death and new life..... As I write this I am compelled to keep moving forward......hesitantly in some ways .......because life has a way of smacking you in the face. I seem to no longer run head long into the days before me.....but to take each day as it comes and to spend as much time there as I can. For we are not promised tomorrow. I have decided to try and not take things or people for granted. Not much of a new year's resolution....but more of a statement of being grateful in the moment. To realize that all in all I am blessed. Even when the days are hard......look for the good in everyone and every situation.