Mornings with Morrie.....uh, I mean Pat......

I spend time each day with my aunt. Her name is Pat. She is 88 and suffers from dementia. She is also losing her eyesight. It's hard to see her this way because she has always been fiesty and independent.....a women's liber before it was accepted. The good news is that she is still just as fiesty as she used to be. It's just hard on her now because she is dependent on others to help her.

Some days ....most days......we talk about the same old things....I hear the same stories over and over again.....Sometimes it gets monotonous.....but other days I find it so comforting. She, afterall, is the only link that really remains to my father's side of the family and to their past and I try to treasure each moment because I realize she won't be here forever.

Then there are other days when she is more lucid....more connected.....and we actually talk of "new" old things. I learn things that I had never known, or am reminded of things that I may have forgotten.

One day we were talking and I was telling her about all that is going on in my life and how my 4th child will be leaving the nest soon. I expressed some worry and sadness over yet another stage in my life. Pat made the comment that "well, at least they (my children) know they can always come home again if they need to. I said "yes, I just wish I could have known that when I was their age."

Pat looked at me with surprise. She asked me why I had said that. I told her that my mom would have gladly let me come back home, but not my father. She got almost indignant with me and said "oh, thats not true!".....I explained that it most certainly was and dad made it quite clear to me that I was not allowed to come back. She seemed surprised and tried to protect my father, her brother, by saying "oh, he might have said that but deep down inside didn't mean it."

Ever since that conversation.....and a few others we have had.....I have been wondering who this man, that was my father, really is....I want to know why I didn't really get to know him. I feel sad that he did not show his kind side to me. He was always stern and strong.....almost harsh....to me. Very seldom did I ever see, a softer, gentler man.

Her  perception of him is completely different than mine. He was a good provider. He was a hard disciplinarian. I think I turned out pretty well. But, oh how I wish I could have had a deeper relationship with him. As a result of his harshness and standoffishness...is that a word??.....I feel slighted. I feel like we were really strangers. Some daughters have their dad's wrapped around their little finger. I NEVER felt like I was "daddy's little girl"!! And I want to know why.

So, maybe this is why I chose a kinder man as my husband. A man who I knew was a good dad from the very beginning.

And, maybe that's why I try so hard to be more like my mom......and to be there for my kids no matter what.

I want to be remembered with love......not disappointment.

Hello Out There!

It's been awhile since I've posted so thought I might as well give this a try today. I haven't felt like writing much lately. I have been busy, but have also been experiencing more depression lately, and along with the depression goes the aches and the pains that seem to be a part of my everyday life now. I am never free of the discomfort. Some days are just worse than others. The trick is trying to deal with it without becoming depressed or grouchy. And I fear that sometimes the sadness, gloom, and irritability take over.

Somedays are so hard. It's about all I can do to get my housework done. That really upsets me because I take alot of pride in taking care of my home and family.
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I don't even like talking about this.

Along with this, and the everyday things, I am also dealing with taking care of a family member that suffers from dementia. It is so hard to see a once vibrant, independent person become so forgetful. It is sad and scarey. This can take a toll on me also. I still have a teenager at home, so it's like the pendulum swings from one situation to another.

Stress and worry also plays a part. Others family members are dealing with life issues too, and you want to be able to make things better, to fix it. It's hard when you love someone so much, but you are unable to help them.

So, today I decided I needed to take some time just for myself. Time to reflect, to read......and to write.

I love sitting outside...watching the birds and listening to them. I love to read on the patio. Sometimes it's nice to just to sit quietly and think......to pray......to listen to God's still, small voice.

Ok, patio....here I come!

Be Angry but Sin Not...Eph.4:26

I am struggling right now with some anger I have felt the past several days.

We are still dealing with contractors......and their mistakes.....that are trying to take care of the lies and cover-ups the previous owners of our home left us. I am not happy.

As I mentioned in my last blog entry, I am tired of everything.

I am tired of dealing with other people's problems and then having to deal with mistakes made by our contractors. We have not had hot water in three days......because of his mistake.

I am tired of him not worrying about it......acting like, ooops...oh well.....and then waiting.....and waiting and waiting....

So, my question is.....how can I be angry and sin not???? I am not happy at the anger I have felt for these past few days......yet, isn't it natural? Don't I have a right to be mad?

And I always thought "what goes around comes around". Some call it karma.....so may I ask, "why is this happening to us". We are good people.....like I mentioned in my previous blog, before we moved we fixed our house up . So, why is all of this happening to us?

If you don't show that you are upset I believe that gives people the idea that they can walk all over you. If we had not gotten mad I believe we would still be waiting for our contractor to come back and fix his mistake....

Is customer service dead? Does anyone really care anymore?

Annoyances-Aggravations-Frustrations

I found myself saying the other day that "I am tired of everything!". This is an exageration of course, but life seems to have taken a toll on me lately and I am tired of it.

I am fed up with contractors and service people who try to take advantage of a rough situation you are already in. By this I mean by not doing everything they were asked to do the first time they were in your home so they can come back a 2nd or 3rd time and charge you another trip charge. I am tired of them putting us off and making us wait.

I am tired of dishonest auto mechanics who tell you that you have things that are wrong, when they are not.

I am tired of being at a 4 way stop and some bimbo goes ahead of you when it is not her turn.

I am tired of being told an item I need was ordered and when it should have been in 3 weeks ago it is still not in.

I am tired of people who pull out of you in traffic and then proceed to drive 20 mph under the speed limit.

I am tired of bosses who make you work odd hours but don' t make anyone else do it.

I AM TIRED OF BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF AND I AM TIRED OF BEING A DOOR MAT.

I am tired of cooking and cleaning and doing everything for my family and getting no appreciation. I don't even think they know all of what I do for them around here.

I am tired of never having any time for me.

I am tired of calling people, you leave a message and they never call you back.

I am tired of purchasing expensive equipment and then be ignored for 6 mos when you need their help.

I want to know:WHAT HAPPENED TO COMMON COURTESY? WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO DECENT, HONEST HUMAN BEINGS?

It's sad that we live in this dog eat dog world.........

And, did I mention; I AM TIRED OF IT!!

Today is Fibromyalgia Awareness Day

The doctor thinks I have fibromyalgia.

I hurt alot.

I hurt all over.

My pain migrates.

No two days are alike.

I can't sleep. Or I can't stay asleep.

My mind gets foggy and I forget things.

I am depressed.

I have bad days where I can't do much. I have had days where I spend it entirely in bed.

But, I have good days. So, when a good day comes along I overdo it and then pay for it later.

People think I am lazy.

No one really knows I am sick because I look ok.

I am sad because I don't enjoy things like I used to. Everything is a struggle. Nothing is easy. Everything is a chore.

This isn't how I pictured my life.

I have a hard time holding down a job. I haven't worked in 2 1/2 years.

I can't get disability because fibromyalgia isn't recognized as a disabling disease.

Sometimes my doctor doesn't even take me seriously.

I have tried more medications and therapies than I care to mention....without any help.

I am tired.

I keep going. I have things to do, people who depend on me.

I have things I want to do, places I want to go, people I want to see.

I just might take longer than most, or do things differently.

I take alot of rest breaks.

But I am not a quitter. I won't give up.

Fibromyalgia is real and it affects more people than you know.

Fibromyalgia is a serious health issue and I hope more people become informed and aware.

Feelings/Perspective

Today is one of those days where I am filled with different emotions.....various feelings. I feel like a jumbled mess.

I have mixed emotions over the happenings on Sunday...and with the wreath laying ceremonies today. My heart is filled with sadness for everyone who was lost and for their families who carry on.......I am filled with pride over people shouting USA, USA......and yet it makes me sad that it takes the death of an evil man to bring us here.

I am sad because of situations in my own life. Strained relationships, deaths of friends , health issues of my own and of people I care about,  children who live farther away than I want them to, Mother's Day without my mom.....

I feel blessed to live in this country, to have my family and my home.......I am filled with love for them.

I have hope that someday I will be in a better place with the people I hold dear......where there will be no more worries and no more tears.

I struggle with worry, even though I try to give them over to my God.....life's problems seem insurmountable at times. Endless bills- doctor, car insurance, plumbers, etc......I feel like the guy in "It's A Wonderful Life"....I'm worth more dead than I am alive.....

It's hard to keep things in perspective with no end in sight. Just how do we do it anyway? We keep plugging away...one foot in front of the other....doing what we can, and what we don't get to we try to do tomorrow....

One of my mom's favorite sayings was "keep your chin up".....is really good advice because in the midst of all of this chaos and hardship it would be so very easy to just give up.

Don't sweat the small stuff......I reminded my daughter in law this a few days ago......

KISS....keep it simple stupid.....is also good advice.

My heart is heavy today...too many feelings.....not enough words to describe how I feel.

And The Saga Continues

I told you to "stay tuned". Ok, here's the scoop:

Today I have not one, but 2 contractors/plumbers in my home.

After living with this nightmare of a home for three years now we have found yet another problem ...that has been here for years I might add....and am having my kitchen sink area torn up. You see, it seems that the cast iron drain pipe rotted out years ago and all of our water from the sink and dishwasher has been spilling out onto the ground causing us problems with drain flies and stench......water in the heating ducts, etc.... This has probably been our main problem all along and it just took us time to narrow it down.

I still cannot believe that the previous owners lied to us about this. They did not disclose this problem.....but admitted it to my husband on the phone. Yes, we had it inspected, but he let us down too. We sought compensation, but even our legal counsel let us down.

We have had to take out another loan.....

I am not happy.

You see, before we sold our previous home we re-sided it, put on a new roof, painted it all on the inside, put down new carpet everywhere, put in a new kitchen sink and counter and fixed a step. Why? Because in our good conscience we did not want someone else to have to deal with our problems.

Is this the world we live in now? I hope not, but I am so discouraged. And I am angry.

The good news is that hopefully after dealing with this mess since we moved in 3 years we might actually be done with living with drain flies and the terrible smell....not to mention any health issues that went with this.

The moral of this story is to not trust anyone.....and talk to the neighbors before you buy a house......

I hope this will encourage those of you who read this to treat others the way you want to be treated. The Lord gave us the Golden Rule......some people call it karma......to some it is just common sense. If what goes around comes around....I want to warn the previous owners to BEWARE!!!