Reconnecting With Old Friends

Life is So Hard.....How Do I get My Joy Back?

This past week has been one I hope I won't ever have to repeat.

First...I was at three different funeral homes this week. Once is too much.

One funeral was for a dear family member who passed away at 84. It's hard, but in your head you reason it out thinking that they had a long and happy life.

The other two were for people my age. THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!! Right? Why does it seem that more and more people my age are dying. I guess it is because I am getting older, but this is not fair.
It is so hard to see people you care about hurting so much. My heart breaks for them.

And I help take care of an elderly family member whose dementia is getting worse. One day she lashed out at me for no reason. I realize it is just her condition, but it still hurts.

And I tried out a new job....that was just going to be too much for me....and I gave it up.....

And several of my loved one are dealing with health issues.....

And.....my joy is gone.....my depression has won. I could sit and just cry forever.

How do I get my joy back? How do I enjoy my life once again? I feel overwhelmed and defeated.

Life is just one big chore right now. Everyday is hard. Each moment a struggle for me.

Even the normal every day routine gets to be too much.....bills, and schedules....fix up projects and messes....responsibilities and worries.

I am tired. Stop world, I want to get off!! If I cry "uncle" will you let me alone for awhile??

I wonder if I can even keep on going. I try to look forward to things......but most of those times involve my family who all live too far away from me.

My joy is gone. Now what do I do?

Why................

Sometimes things happen in life that we do not understand. Things happen in life that we have no control over.

And the question people have been asking for years is "why do bad things happen to good people"?

Sometimes we pray and it seems like God isn't listening. Then we question does he even care? If He did then things would be different.

And, I am asking "Why" tonight.

Nope, I don't have any answers....I wish I did....but I don't...

I am just here.....in a dark place.....with lots of questions.

How does a person go about getting their joy back? How do you ever feel like you used to?

Life is so hard sometimes that days like these make you question going on......

And yet, friends remind me that  God, the Higher Power....has a reason for everything......

But you know...for the life of me I am not sure what the reason is......

Dealing With Chronic Illness

Just returned from a visit to the doctor.

I hate doctor's visits. I hate sitting there telling him all of my troubles. I hate whiners. I don't want to be a whiner......but that's what I feel like.

I try to keep going everyday......to do what I need to do....but some days it is very hard.

I hate feeling bad everyday. I hate not being able to do what I want to do when I want to.

I hate feeling like I am letting everyone down because I can't hold down a job or because I can't keep up with housework.

I HATE IT! I HATE IT!

I am determined not to let this "thing" ruin me......but how?

Religion:What Do You Believe?

I have a hard time finding a "church" I want to belong to. Every single one of them lets me down.....disappoints me in one area or another. It's called doctrine.....

The Christian comedian, Mark Lowry, said something once that I love and it rings so true to me:"Here we all are in this one place, Methodist, Presbryterians, Baptists, Catholics, etc.....and you know......somebody's wrong"!! haha

Now, I don't think of myself as superior...I think of myself as confused, misled and not fitting in anywhere. That's my life!!

I was brought up in a Lutheran Church....but I always felt like deep down inside I wanted to be a nun. Can you imagine the shock that was to my family!! Luther was a hero to my family.....but why did he oppose those things that the early church fathers had set down as a foundation?

Why are some books banned from the Bible? Why do Catholics allow some and Protestants do not?

As I entered my teen years I became a "Jesus Freak". I attended a charismatic, fundamentalist bible fellowship....guitar playing, long haired,  loving Jesus kind of place. that's where I really was "born again" and decided to follow Jesus. This didn't set to well with my family either.

Then came the big blow when I decide to leave the Lutheran Church to join this Jesus loving church because of the differences presented to me about how and when baptisms should be done. See, Lutherans "sprinkle" babies
and fundamentalists fully immerse those who are old enough to decide for themselves.

Then I wanted to attend a Christian College....but was talked out of it because I wouldn't be happy there.....my parents said you couldn't drink, or dance.....and I always had to wear a dress......no jeans.....and I was a jeans girl. So, there went that idea.


Then I married and joined my husband's church......which was a mainstream church. The pastor did not preach Jesus which I had an issue with so we left there and went to another mainstream church.....it split because of of issues of doctrine. We went to another charismatic, fundamentalist church....it split apart because of doctrinal issues .......we went to another charismatic, fundamentalist church...ditto...same thing......

Guess what!!?? I am tired and disillusioned. I am not stupid...I read my Bible.I read other books.....I am reading the books that have been banned from the Bible..... I talk to God and I believe He talks to me.....yes, I have heard Him!!

I am tired of being told what to do, how to do it and what to believe in.

I am tired of so-called church people acting like they are better than me......

I am also tired of ministers who think they have to yell to make their point.

I am tired of churches saying you can't drink...news flash...Jesus did...he turned water into wine....AT A WEDDING!!

I am tired of being told you can't dance....DAVID DID!!

I actually had a well meaning church lady tell me my illness was caused because my heart is not right with God.....but also had another tell me it's the devil......

I'm tired of being judged by well-meaning church people. Reminds me of the song that says: "judgement looms under every steeple, from lofty glances from lofty people". I'm tired of church people thinking they are better than everyone else ......yet they live awful lives during the week,

I am tired of churches sharing their own ideas as if the were scriptural.

The bible can be interpreted in different ways.....I'm tired of being told what I need to believe in........

And I am not afraid to say that I am confused.

You know, the closest church set up to the way things were  2000 years ago is actually the "Orthodox" church....

Mark Lowry made another funny but true statement at a show I was at..."I'm not allowed to talk to Mary at the church I attend, so what's she like?"......

Like I said, for whatever reason......I happen to think it  is God talking to me........I was led to pray a Catholic prayer during a real tough time in my life. Oh, I can hear the gasps annd the moans.......and I own a rosary and I pray it.......

Now, I am not promoting Catholicism.....I am just saying what I feel connected to......and I feel connected with traditional prayer, candles, music.......but I also love to listen to contemporary Christian music.......I love being able to wear jeans to church.......I sound like a confused mess don't I? I love learning about the lives of saints hoping their ways might rub off on me.......I love contemporary worship, raising my hands and feeling the Lord move. Like I said before in the blog before this I have been slain in the spirit and have felt God touch me in a mighty way.

It's not all just one way...one denomination for me.

 Religion should not be a one size fits all......how sad...how boring. God made us unique individuals.....why would He talk to us and reach out to us all in the same way? What works for some won't work for all......and what works now may not work later.

My God have mercy on us all.......May God bless us...everyone.

Ok, I Am Just Going to Put Myself Out There

Ok, I admit it...I'm a little odd...a little different than most people. Surprise!!

And, I am constantly changing, growing and evolving. In fact, what I write here today could be obsolete tomorrow.

My father told me a long time ago to keep an open mind no matter what. I think this has been a great bit of advice.
And, sadly, I think I had lost that for a part of my life.

Anyway.....I'm just going to put some things out there that I believe in....things that have happened to me.

I welcome your comments...but don't judge me. This is factual.....this is not creative writing.

Ghosts

Yes, I believe in ghosts. Now, I am not exactly sure about all of the aspects of ghosts, but I do believe they exist. "Why", I hear you asking. It all started when my grandfather died in 1965. I heard my dad talking to my grandmother that some important papers were missing and they didn't know where they were. They showed up the next day on the kitchen table. Remarkably the almost exact same thing happened when my grandmother passed away in 1972. When you are young you think that its just your family's grief and you chalk it up to coincidence. What they want to believe, right?

Well, thats' all well and good....until it happens to you. My experience was different. The day after my mother passed away I SAW her....yes...I "saw" her with my own two eyes, standing in my dining room. She smiled at me and then was gone. She passed suddenly and unexpectedly...and we were close and I didn't get a chance ro say good bye....and I think she wanted me to know that she was ok.

When my dad died it was also different. My brother and I were cleaning out the family home getting it ready to sell. Dad was a product of the depression and saved everything. His basement was a mess. Well my brother made the remark...."ok dad, what the hell were you thinking keeping all of this shit!"....and the lights blinked on and off......yes, it freaked us out. So every once in a while we'd make a comment to "dad"....and with only a few exceptions , "dad' acknowledged us by flikering the lights.

The summer dad died was also very dry and none of my mother's roses were blooming. However, the day we left their house for the last time her one beautiful pink rose bush had 4 big groups of blooms!! It was amazing. My brother and I figured we each got 2 bunches ..one each from mom and dad. I had also been watching the John Edward Show and pink roses are a sign of acknowledgement and that's just what we needed . We knew they were there watching over us.

These experiences leave me to question the afterlife. I know there is one....but just exactly happens on the other side.

I now love watching shows about ghost hunting. My one big question is if spirits are still here, why aren't they in heaven or hell? Or purgatory...or wherever.  If we are ghost hunting should we not be so concerned about contacting them, or do they need to be guided "towards the light" like in Ghost Whisperer?

UFOs

I had always been a little skeptical of UFOs. But, I was intrigued. Keep an open mind ya know.

Well, in the August of 2007 my son, husband and I were in the back yard watching a meteor shower. It was something we had always done with the kids since they were small.  Nothing ever happened that was out of the ordinary, except on this night.

An orb appeared in the NE corner of our property. It traveled aprox. 10-15 ft off the ground and crossed over our back yard and turned and went towards the west at the side of our house. It wasn't very big....maybe the size of a muskmelon or volleyball. It had a strobing/flashing greenish yellow light.

We were mesmerized and none of us said anything for a few seconds. And it was odd because we didn't even think of following it.

But, that night changed what I thought forever. I look towards the sky alot more now. And love watching shows about UFOs.

Supernatural Happenings

I was brought up in a traditional church. So, when our family joined a charismatic church and I first witnessed people being slain in the spirit I was very skeptical.

On one particular Sunday, my daughter leaned over and asked me if we believed in "that". I told her I wasn't sure if I did or not. The next thing I know I am on the ground looking up, with people around me and my daughter looking very worried.

Well, now I can honestly say I believe in "that"!!

Another time a group of women and I from the church made a trip to another church for a retreat. We  were called up front for special prayer by the minister. He asked God to fill us with His Holy fire....he then repeated "fire" again.....lifting his hand and at that moment I was doubled over with a burning sensation in my belly.

I still think about that all of these years later and long for an experience like that again.

Which leads me to my next topic of thought...religion ...and what I think.......but I will cover that in my next blog.

It's All About Perspective

A week ago I had a topic I wanted to write about and it was "what are you sick of". At the time I was so sick of my housework routine, winter and just the general rut I was in.

What a difference a week makes.

Last week my daughter spent 2 1/2 days in the hopsital.....so complaining about cleaning seems pretty petty right now.

It's all about perspective...where we are at , at the moment and how we see things.....at that moment. Our perspective is constantly changing.

I am still hating the thought of cleaning....but not as much as having one of my kids be sick.

And the kicker to all of this is that everyone sees things differently. No one is ever going to see things the way I see them and vice versa....some might be close, but no one is going to see things 100% the way I do. guess that makes me unique!!

When you think about that it really makes you wonder why we care about what others think in the first place.

Perspective is also a cause for alot of conflicts....we think we understand each other but in reality can this ever be true? I  doubt it. 

I try to be an understanding person. Yet, I find myself in the middle of a conflict and I don't know how I got there. The "other conflictee" has a different perspective of our conversation and is now upset with me. I am searching for a reason ...for a cause....and I think it is all about perspective. What I meant as a benign question was perceived as an attack , as an insensitive ( I assume) request.

Whatever, it still hurts......

It's just your perspective.............wish it was more understanding as well........but, its your choice.

It is our choice whether we will be hurtful or helpful.....hurting or hoping.....cruel or kind.....

What's your perspective today?