My Life With Fibromyalgia

My name is Vicki. I live in Ohio. I am married, have 5 children , 4 grandchildren and one on the way. I love to cook, read sew, crochet, paint......I love life....most of the time. For 21 years now I have been dealing with my "mystery illness". I am extremely tired and my body hurts. I feel like I have the flu practically everyday of my life.I have been struggling and each year my symptoms seem to get worse. Loving life has become increasingly difficult. Aprox 6 years ago my doctor labeled my symptoms......Fibromyalgia. I went to a rhuematologist and a neurologist. I have had many tests....but nothing ever really showed up. I have tried many medications. Some of which really messed me up....one made me a zombie unable to function. Another made me gain weight. None have really helped alot. Some just help me manage to just get by. I can't sleep well.....I don't exercise like I should because I hurt....I try stretching....but that leads to cramps.....I can't eat right because I have times I get nauseous. It has affected my bowels which no longer work right and have caused me such pain that I have literally passed out. Making love to my husband is not the pleasure it once was....now I know it will affect me for days afterward. Stress makes me sicker. Brain fog is an everyday thing and I struggle to keep up. My legs don't always work right and it can get scarey. I have not worked in 3 years. I had to quit my last job before they fired me because I was missing so much work. Because of this...and my endless medical bills it has sent my family into financial hardship. I have filed for disability....but am not sure I qualify....and a part of me is deeply humiliated and ashamed for even doing this. I am depressed. It can be severe. Somedays I don't even feel I can crawl out of bed. I have searched my family history to see who else struggles with this and I have found that there are quite a few of my cousins who do. However, we also have a strong family history of autoimmune illnesses and I wonder if somehow these aren't all connected somehow. I have good days. And on those days I probably do more than I should to try and catch up on what needs to be done. However I know that I need to try and pace myself so I don't sabbotage my health for the next week. it is so hard to do because us "fibromites' never really know what tomorrow will be like. Family and friends have a hard time understanding just how bad I feel and just how hard daily life can be. It upsets me but I too feel bad because I am not the person I used to be. Fibromyalgia is real. Fibromyalgia is widespread. Fibromyalgia has robbed me

Taking Inventory of 2011/ What I Desire for 2012

Happy 2012 everyone!!
It's been quite awhile since I have posted here. I can't believe how busy my life has been lately.
I made it through the holidays and 2 weeks ago we welcomed a new grandson into the family who decided to arrive a whole month early. I spent 10 days in Cincinnati playing grandma ......(big smile!!).

As the new year arrived I thought back to what my resolutions and hopes were for 2011:
wanting to write, draw, paint
wanting to be myself and not worry about what others think of me
finding my inner swan.

I am happy to say that I have done pretty well....better than I thought I would.

I am being creative and artistic....I am designing some original notecards and have them for sale at our local Art Factory. I even sold some!! I am conncecting with our local art center and artists.

I am writing....right here is my blog :).

I still worry about what others think of me, however I am still searching for my inner swan and have some great friends to help me and encourage me.

I have reconnected with some old friends which has stretched me. (that old fear of not fitting in)

I have lost 16lbs and hope to keep going. I hope to eat better this year.

I have been asked to help with my 35th class reunion.

I am praying more and reading more.

I am keeping an open mind (as my father always encouraged me to do) and am questioning and searching for things I want to know.

I still think about picking up a guitar again.

I am considering selling some of my creations on etsy, or some other site.

Each day gives me a new opportunity to be the best me I can be.

So, here's to 2012 and new adventures in my life!!

I will try to keep you up to date and involved!!

It All Started With God, Me and a Gingko Tree

We moved into a new home almost 4 years ago. It was an adventure in more ways than one. We have a large yard with lots of different plants, bushes, trees, etc.I felt blessed because I really love plants and flowers of all kinds.  I felt like I was on an expedition to search out things I wasn't acustomed to. And wouldn't you know it, right in our front yard sat this beautiful Gingko Tree. I had never seen one before. I was thrilled.

I was in awe of how God makes so many wonderful, beautiful and unusal things. I fell in love with my Gingko Tree. The very first year I pressed a huge amount of "her" leaves. I knew that I wanted to keep them somehow......for some reason. and, then it hit me.....I could preseve them. So. I experimented and found a way to keep them and actually framed several.

And, God being God, kept this passion inside me and actually made it grow. Then it hit me!! I could do so many things with these beautiful leaves.....any leaves......and flowers, too!! So, God placed in me the desire to make greeting/note cards that would allow me to share these beautiful things with others.

But, that is seemingly where that dream ended. I had gotten all of my materials around.....but there they sat...for 2 years. Nothing.

If you'll remember, in last month's blog I mentioned that I have this deep desire to be creative. Doesn't everyone? Well, maybe not. But, for some reason it has been gnawing at me....alot. And over these past 11 months....since my New Year's resolution....God has been bringing people and situations into my life to encourage me to do something with these feelings.


I have an old friend from school, Susan Miller-Cormier, who is herself a very talented and gifted artist in many ways. She has taught me to find my "inner swan". Because of her I have stepped out of my comfort zone and actually attended a local art class and and open art night at our Wassenberg Art Center.

Of couse, I was plagued by doubt and fear of failure.But, I was able to share with Susan my ideas and she encouraged  me to "go for it". She has been so helpful and supportive!!

Today I made that next step of displaying my creations and putting them up for sale at our local Art's Factory. I am so excited!! And it was like once I made that first step God turned on the faucet of ideas in my head on other things I can be creating!!

Only time will tell just where all of this may lead me, but as Susan reminded me...I won't know unless I try.

Thinking Out Loud

There's so much I want to say but am afraid of what others might think. I don't take criticism ....or rejection well. I wonder if I ever will. I can remember my dad telling me how I needed to learn to accept criticism. Even then I wondered why......what gives someone else the right to criticize me? I am me...take me or leave me....love me or hate me.....but I am ME!! Reminds me of the old Monkey's song "I Wanna Be Me!!"

God made me this way......so why do you think there's something wrong with me???

As you can probably tell it has been a rough month for me. I feel like I am trying to "find" myself again and at this age it is not easy.

I need to get a job, but with my fibromyalgia it is going to be so had no matter what I do.......so I worry....and stress.....

I have a desire to be creative.

I take inventory of my life and it hits me that I am not really good at anything....oh, I can do things.....I cook, bake, sew, etc. ....but I'm just mediocre. I'm not good......

Sometimes I know just enough to get by.

I feel like a failure. Is this all there is?

Who am I really?

I find myself being depressed. I get aggravated ....annoyed.....sad.....

I need something but I don't know what it is.

I desire peace and harmony.

For so long I defined my life through my children.......now what?

I feel lost. I thought at this time in my life I would have everything figured out......but I feel more confused now than I did when I was younger.

I'm not sure where this journey is going to take me but I bet it is going to be different.

Starting a New Chapter in My Life

Recently we moved our next to youngest child...our #2 daughter....our #4 out out 5 kids....to Cincinnati into an apartment of her own. We now only have one child still at home and this is something that we have not had in our lives since 1984!!

It took me about a week to get over the "loss" I felt.....I am not actually over it.....but am getting better at dealing with it. Just as I am not over having our eldest move out in 1992, or the next one in 2003 or the next in 2005.

It leaves a hole in your heart each time a child leaves the nest. Someone told me once that this is how it is supposed to be...and it will happen if you have done your job as a parent. I feel good about that I guess...but I also know that I miss my kids like crazy and sometimes long for the days of when they were little.

Then, I think back to those days when life with little ones wasn't easy and I just wanted sometime for myself. I guess that is what I need to do at this new chapter in my life.....I need to re-learn how to do the things that I like to do or what I want to do. But after 31 years of having my children at the center of my life how do I do that? This may take sometime.

I think I might start with an art class....if I can get up my nerve......

I also recently lost my pet chihuahua....my little buddy, Teddy. He was a part of my life for 16 yrs. He was always right there. And now he's not...he was sad to see me leave, but was always excited when I got home. He was the only one sometimes who really cared about me it seemed......you just can't replace that kind of loyalty and unconditional love.

Nothing in life ever stays the same....the only thing you can  count on is change......and the older I get the harder it gets to roll with the punches. One of the best lessons I ever learned when my children were small was to be flexible. I am beginning to think that this is true for any age.

If nothing else, this next chapter of my life looks like it will be an adventure....one that I have't experienced yet.

Mornings with Morrie.....uh, I mean Pat......

I spend time each day with my aunt. Her name is Pat. She is 88 and suffers from dementia. She is also losing her eyesight. It's hard to see her this way because she has always been fiesty and independent.....a women's liber before it was accepted. The good news is that she is still just as fiesty as she used to be. It's just hard on her now because she is dependent on others to help her.

Some days ....most days......we talk about the same old things....I hear the same stories over and over again.....Sometimes it gets monotonous.....but other days I find it so comforting. She, afterall, is the only link that really remains to my father's side of the family and to their past and I try to treasure each moment because I realize she won't be here forever.

Then there are other days when she is more lucid....more connected.....and we actually talk of "new" old things. I learn things that I had never known, or am reminded of things that I may have forgotten.

One day we were talking and I was telling her about all that is going on in my life and how my 4th child will be leaving the nest soon. I expressed some worry and sadness over yet another stage in my life. Pat made the comment that "well, at least they (my children) know they can always come home again if they need to. I said "yes, I just wish I could have known that when I was their age."

Pat looked at me with surprise. She asked me why I had said that. I told her that my mom would have gladly let me come back home, but not my father. She got almost indignant with me and said "oh, thats not true!".....I explained that it most certainly was and dad made it quite clear to me that I was not allowed to come back. She seemed surprised and tried to protect my father, her brother, by saying "oh, he might have said that but deep down inside didn't mean it."

Ever since that conversation.....and a few others we have had.....I have been wondering who this man, that was my father, really is....I want to know why I didn't really get to know him. I feel sad that he did not show his kind side to me. He was always stern and strong.....almost harsh....to me. Very seldom did I ever see, a softer, gentler man.

Her  perception of him is completely different than mine. He was a good provider. He was a hard disciplinarian. I think I turned out pretty well. But, oh how I wish I could have had a deeper relationship with him. As a result of his harshness and standoffishness...is that a word??.....I feel slighted. I feel like we were really strangers. Some daughters have their dad's wrapped around their little finger. I NEVER felt like I was "daddy's little girl"!! And I want to know why.

So, maybe this is why I chose a kinder man as my husband. A man who I knew was a good dad from the very beginning.

And, maybe that's why I try so hard to be more like my mom......and to be there for my kids no matter what.

I want to be remembered with love......not disappointment.

Hello Out There!

It's been awhile since I've posted so thought I might as well give this a try today. I haven't felt like writing much lately. I have been busy, but have also been experiencing more depression lately, and along with the depression goes the aches and the pains that seem to be a part of my everyday life now. I am never free of the discomfort. Some days are just worse than others. The trick is trying to deal with it without becoming depressed or grouchy. And I fear that sometimes the sadness, gloom, and irritability take over.

Somedays are so hard. It's about all I can do to get my housework done. That really upsets me because I take alot of pride in taking care of my home and family.
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I don't even like talking about this.

Along with this, and the everyday things, I am also dealing with taking care of a family member that suffers from dementia. It is so hard to see a once vibrant, independent person become so forgetful. It is sad and scarey. This can take a toll on me also. I still have a teenager at home, so it's like the pendulum swings from one situation to another.

Stress and worry also plays a part. Others family members are dealing with life issues too, and you want to be able to make things better, to fix it. It's hard when you love someone so much, but you are unable to help them.

So, today I decided I needed to take some time just for myself. Time to reflect, to read......and to write.

I love sitting outside...watching the birds and listening to them. I love to read on the patio. Sometimes it's nice to just to sit quietly and think......to pray......to listen to God's still, small voice.

Ok, patio....here I come!